Moving on.

I'm leaving all of these behind. Its time to move on.

https://apetitemoment.wordpress.com/

MOOD

I found the softest, the fluffiest, the most comfy, most AMAZING flannel ever. Today. *At the most affordable price too* 

Muji you are SO loved. 

What more can I ask for amidst the crazy mugging lately? Retail therapy does help right now. For sure. 

JUST FOR TODAY

Strangers with memories. 

How can people become strangers with memories? Its a brutal relation that two people can have with each other. It is so brutal that I feel defeated when I have to face it and have acceptance towards it. 

It's been a while since I last had feelings like this.

I know i've long walked out of my past. The new transformation that is in me is undeniable. But, when flashbacks happen, I cannot help but surrender to it momentarily. To allow the feeling of regret wash over me. Reminding me of every little detail of how I lost someone so dear to me. How that mere 1 year and 3 months in both our lives were like fireworks, the initial ignition, the explosion of feelings and emotions for each other, the brightest sparks that left such emotions branded into my entire being that eventually had to die down into nothing. 

This is something that I had to learn to face. The fear of having to feel it all again makes me terrified. Which is absolutely the reason why I know better than to rush into things right now. I learned that feelings alone is never enough. Compatibility is as important. I failed to achieve emotional and mental intimacy and there were a lot of things that weren't compatible but being blinded by feelings was a mistake that I can never afford to make again. 

This is life. It was love. I guess I never understood what love is defined as. Never till his presence in my life. 

I'm in pain. But I know the pain will be gone when I wake up tomorrow. Because I don't live in the past anymore. For a better me, for a better tomorrow. 

But for today, let me miss you. 

J.

AFTER POLY, THEN WHAT?

As much as I am having loads of fun planning for post poly grad trips and what not, its probably time to face reality as well. 

The question is: To register for University, or not?

I honestly can't make up my mind, as far as university goes. I genuinely see the need to have a degree. However, what do I study? I really don't see myself continuing with Chemical Engineering anymore. And I even find having to sit at an office desk for the rest of my life absolutely daunting. I am not someone to be tied to a computer on a desk. That's not what I want to see myself doing in the future. 

But, not doing that, what can I do? Friends around me have been giving me loads of advice on what I should do. Some say that its a pity to not continue with Chemical Engineering. Some say I should just go ahead and try registering with the local Universities even though I might not necessarily meet the requirements. Some supports my initial idea of changing course in University. I'm so thankful to have them all listening to me and helping me make up my mind but, what do I really want? I don't think its not what I want that I do not know of. I'm just scared and afraid of the uncertainty that i'm facing at the moment.

Will this be the best step that i've taken so far, or will it be the worst mistake that i'll ever make? That to me, is the scariest part of all.

J.
xoxo

FIRST WEEK OF 2015

Day 9 of 365. 

Slightly more than a week have passed, upon entering the new year. 2015 is great. As of now. 9 days into the new year, i'm pretty much enjoying the life that i'm leading right now. Quite a bit has been going on lately and i've settled some stuff, started on some stuff as well. It's just really exciting to just think about what i've planned out for myself in the few months ahead. 

First thing first, I should be going to travel around UK during mid March till the end of March if nothing crops up from now till then. Gavin and I just settled the plane tickets a few days ago and everything's paid for and basically we're almost like counting down to the day where we can finally make our way to London, where our UK journey starts. We have yet to plan our journey for the 18 days that we will be spending in the UK but I believe we will be doing so in the near future before we fly over. I'm just overflowing with excitement and eagerness to travel over to experience and feel all that i've imagined so far. As of now, only the plane tickets are settled but there are way more to go when it comes to packing and planning for our trip and i'll leave the rest till i'm slightly more free cos right now i'm just drowning in piles of reports to submit and finals are coming in a month or so, which explains why this is a hideously busy period for a student in her final term before graduating. 

However, very fortunately, I found the time to get started on my very first painting using acrylic paint during the very first week of school when school started after the new year. I realised that acrylic painting is way harder than what I had imagined and I barely managed to complete half of my painting after half a day sitting on the floor blending and squeezing non stop. But I must say that it is something that I definitely see myself adopting as a hobby because it really is therapeutic to paint. You forget about the passing of time when painting. Its pretty peaceful and serene to just sit and be yourself. There's something weirdly satisfying too, probably cos i've never really got the chance to explore such areas to have a feel for myself.

I think overall i've been getting on really well with my new year resolutions for 2015. I started with acrylic painting, cleaned out my entire room and am in the progress of putting it together with photos and my own paintings over time as I complete more pieces. As for making trips down to museums in general, I have yet to be able to find time to do it at the moment because of school and homework and stuff but its okay there will be opportunities to visit the museums in London and I believe it will be as amazing. :)

I definitely feel good and i'm glad that there's a lot more of doing than actual planning this year, which is always good. Though this is not as obvious when it comes to school work cos honestly, as fun as chemical engineering really is, I can only say that it is fun only if you know exactly what you are doing and if you don't, it just sucks so bad. I really am trying to get it over and done with before moving on to the next stage in life where I don't really see myself pursuing a further degree in chemical engineering. I don't know if its something that i'll regret taking in the future, this route in chemical engineering in general but I think it should be fine. I can't deny that it opened me to many insights to the industry that I actually don't mind working in for a living but not so much about pursuing a higher degree in it. We'll see when the time comes. :)

That's quite a bit for slightly more than a week and I feel awesome. I'm slowly getting back into reading again, which is always nice. Currently reading a book by James Patterson, "First Love" which I think is strangely addicting. I don't even know if I can call it a good book but at the moment, yes I am absolutely drawn into the story very much. I hope this is a book that gets me back into reading like what I used to do. :)

Till then, all's good. :)

"Carpe Diem. Because today, after all, was all we knew we had."

J.
xoxo 

PAGE 1 OF 365 [2015] -- LOOKING BACK AT 2014

Hello there! 

Its the first day of the new year and I woke up at roughly 11:30AM today, took in a deep breath and was like 'Wow, there it goes. Another year's over.' Then at 12 noon, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when the bell in the church chimed. That feeling of hearing the church bell chime that washes over me is still the same. And I love it still. 

I guess I just wanted to do a little recap for 2014, which is last year, as well as to record down my new year resolution for 2015 and some other expectations and stuff along the way. 

As i've shared on instagram, 2014 has been a year of ups and downs, specifically at the beginning of the year. As time passes, things just took a turn for the better and i'm feeling really blessed and thankful for that. 

Basically in the first quarter of the year, W. and I met with an ordeal and from there we finally went separate ways. I was thrown right down into the darkest pit and I basically moped around trying to get back on track and trying to lead a normal life without him. Losing someone that you loved so dearly is never easy and the journey of standing back up again on your own is probably one of the worst thing to do. For the next 6 months or so, time and time again I would think that i'm finally done with the pain and whatnot but yet, time and time again I would find myself facing reality right in the face and I would crumble and fall back down. As much as I really wanted to give up there and then, somehow I managed to/ felt like I desperately needed to stand back up again and I did. Though I ended up falling again and again numerous times, but undeniably, each time that I managed to stand back up, I felt stronger and more capable of fighting against the pain of the past. 

And so I went on to internship brokenhearted and I must say that the 6 months that I spent working is a really good chance to recover away from his presence and to have time on my own to think through things and get ready for the future. It was during this period of time that I got closer to myself, exploring my likes and dislikes with honesty and spending time alone and with friends to search for happiness again. After internship, I genuinely thought that I was alright already. And I almost believed myself as well until I realised that I felt forced whenever I smiled and laughed. Almost like I didn't want to smile and laugh but i'm making myself do it because I had to. That realization pains me to even think about it. I felt lost. I didn't know what to do because I was so unhappy. I felt lost about being happy. I was worrying like what if I never could be happy again? But as time passes, school resumed, I started enjoying everything a little more bit by bit and slowly but surely I saw a change in my mood and emotions. And so the day finally came when I realised that I no longer feel forced when I smiled. It felt great. To be happy again. 

From then on till ytd, my happiness level in me just went higher and higher. I started feeling genuinely happy and its only the start. I'm really happy about being able to move from W. and to find interest and curiosity in art, how i'm no longer afraid to spend time alone, how i'm seeing myself in a different light and have higher self esteem, basically how i'm so much happier as an individual. 

Its amazing how so much can change in a year/ a few months time. I already feel like i'm a better version of myself as compared to the start of 2014 but in 2015, i'm striving to become an even better version of myself.

With that being said, there are a few resolutions that i've set for myself in this new year.

RESOLUTIONS [2015]:

#01 Explore acrylic painting

#02 Make trips to art museums

#03 Heath (drink more water, exercise, eat well, sleep early)

#04 Do splits

#05 Be organised

So that's pretty much it for the resolutions. I'm happy that I managed to become a more optimistic person in general and fulfill my resolution from last year. Its probably not all but I lost track to be honest and to prevent that from happening again, i'm gonna write it down in black and white this year. ;)

That's about it~ I will continue to be optimistic and happy, constantly contented and count my blessings and be thankful. Basically living the life that I would dream of, with gratitude, hope and confidence. :)

Happy new year! 

J.

xoxo

I AM ONLY HUMAN

Isn't being who I am good enough? 

I often ask myself this question recently. I feel genuinely happy with how life is like right now for me. Its very self satisfactory at least on a personal level. I'm doing what I like, working towards to my own personal goals using my own strength and being my own motivation. 

I am only human. I take pride in certain things that I do. I feel insecure about certain things about me. But that just makes me as human as any other person. I'm not a natural-born leader. But that doesn't mean that I do not take charge of things. I just prefer to put myself in others' shoes and understand from their point of view towards something. I would rather do something and as long as others like it, it is then satisfying to me. I find joy in seeing others being happy because I did something that is within my control and abilities to help make them happy.

But, that doesn't mean that i'm someone with no principles whatsoever. I have my own reasons when I make a decision to do something. And I respect that others have theirs' too. Talk to me. Talk to me about your perspective and I will respect it and try to understand it. But at the same time, I expect others to return me that form of respect and the effort to at least try to understand me from my perspective as well. Life is always about giving and taking, striking a balance. I love seeing others being happy does not mean that I don't make the effort to make myself happy. I do. I strive to lead a positive and happy life, to count the blessings in my everyday. And i'm doing it. Just because part of what I do to make myself happy is to make others happy does not mean that i'm someone who puts others in front of myself all the time. There are times that I do. But there are times that I don't. It depends. It isn't right to judge that I am the weakling that only knows how to give others everything that I have regardless. Cos i'm not. I may have used to be that kind of person. But i'm no longer who I was in the past.

I am satisfied with my own changes over the years. In fact I might actually be in the best state i've ever been for the past 19 years. Isn't that enough? I mean I definitely could be better. However, is it so wrong to be happy with who I am when I don't see any major issues in myself?

I'm not heavily affected by this. I'm just a little confused. But its okay. I'm still happy with who I am at the moment, just living the life as I would. Ultimately its my life. All's good. :)

J.
xoxo

BE HAPPY

“Eat better. Run more. Squat more. Sleep earlier. Wake up earlier. Make a good breakfast. Drink water. Eat fruits. Read books. Adventure. Talk less. Listen more. Feel deeper. Love better. Open your eyes. Experience life. Be happy.”

Never been happier. :)

J.

xoxo

TRAVEL TO FEEL

Yet another late night writing. 

It's currently 3:34AM (So late I know) and was gonna do some studying for my upcoming paper on thursday but I ended up with my lappy again. Like its so hard to focus with all these thoughts in my mind! Amazing thoughts though. This is how crazy it is to be thinking of crazy happy thoughts in the middle of the night when most people, including myself a few months back, are just drowning in emo dark thoughts. But nah i'm not complaining. I'm hella happy with the current mood that i've got going on in my head so yeap~ Just got to start learning how to switch on the auto focus at times LOL

There's so many things that i've got running in my head that I need somewhere to let it out. Like seriously. Its occupying my mind like nobody's business and I seriously need to study. LOL So... what's the big deal with this on going good form insanity? The big deal is that THERE IS ACTUALLY A POSSIBILITY THAT I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO GO TO UK AFTER I GRADUATE. 

HOW IS THAT NOT A BIG DEAL???

I don't know how it all happened. But all I know is that UK has always been high up on my bucket list at least in recent years. Traveling has always been for a different reason when I was younger. And it honestly has been such a long time since I last traveled. I used to want to travel for sightseeing, shopping, food and all the other extravagant purpose. But now, its so entirely different. Its like I want to travel to UK so bad because I want to simply travel. 

I want to set foot on a foreign land, which in this case UK is my option, experience life there where there is a very different cultural background, people, common sightseeing locations, not-so-common non-sightseeing locations, architecture etc. Basically to just embark on a journey to experience and feel. I want no shopping I want no food. I want to just travel on a tight budget if you must say (though I have to travel on a tight budget cos i'm sort of really on a tight budget LOL) I am prepared to eat simply for meals. I am prepared to travel on foot. In fact, I want to break free from the conventional way of traveling. I think only when you travel without the extravagant wants, can you truly experience traveling as it is. The most simplest form of it. 

And why UK? I have no idea actually. When I was younger, I wanted to travel to Korea, Taiwan, Hongkong etc. But UK actually appeals to me so much more right now. It even topped my bucket list in recent years. All of a sudden Australia did not appeal to me as much as it did anymore. Probably in the past and in the future but just not now. I don't want to travel to somewhere that doesn't appeal to me in the strongest way ever and spend the money to travel over but unable to fully enjoy the journey. I strongly believe that if the trip to UK is made possible, it would be the most unforgettable trip for me in awhile. Because I am not traveling to this place for my friends. Its solely because I want to. I'm traveling for myself and though there are still gonna be friends accompanying me, the mindset and idea is still there. Like i'm not following my friends on this journey but its one that I actually want to set foot on. If I were to pinpoint on a reason as to why I chose UK for my grad trip, it would have to be the cultural experience and architectural uniqueness that appealed to me the most. 

After I graduate, its time that I enter another phase of my life. Entering adulthood can bring about many responsibilities. I am taking every chance to make this trip possible because I know it wouldn't be the same again if I were to travel to UK again when I get older, when I start work. The mindset and all would be slightly different if not entirely. I don't know but I rarely have such wants that I feel such a strong need to make it happen. And when I do, it means a lot. 

Some may think that i'm willful for the fact that I insist on traveling to UK even though is SO expensive. (Honestly it is. Just the tickets alone is insane.) But to me this trip is not just a normal trip. Its almost like it signifies a new start. Cos its true that a new phase of life awaits me when I return. Its also a journey that I embark on with a light heart and happy feelings. I honestly haven't been too happy for the most part of 2014. And now that I finally am feeling happy and embracing all the goodness in life, I think this is a much needed new start. 

I want to travel to feel. To connect with the other part of the world, to connect with myself as well and this is honestly in my opinion, the best time to do it. :)

J.

xoxo

THAT UNICORN FEELZ

Hey there! 

I'm gonna have to give myself a pat on the back for the consistent writing lately. (Let's just hope this stays as it is LOL) Nothing much's going on today, I just completed my very first paper in more than half a year's time. It's insane, having to cram stuff into my head again. So not used to it at the beginning but i'm getting the hang of it again. And, I honestly just can't wait till CTs are over cos i've got shitloads of plans coming up for myself and i'm literally dying to start. CAN'T WAIT. 

So... the first thing on my mind is definitely gonna be my plans to start acrylic painting. And i've actually began talking to a few of my friends about it today. Just a random mention. Nothing too crazy detailed but they weren't really that into that conversation that I brought up regarding acrylic painting I guess. LOL Well, I can't really blame them for that. I'm always the one that is unable to contribute to any conversation regarding gaming anyways. But one of them actually said that it'll be better if I start from drawing with pencils, then pens, then markers before I dive right into painting but I actually beg to differ. 

I started with drawing a while back and I thought it was okay. It was definitely really satisfying when I complete a particular drawing but now that I think about it, I think just sketching and drawing and doodling doesn't appeal to me as much now cos it's so dull with just shades of black and white. I'm not saying that I don't like drawing anymore, in fact I still doodle a lot in class with just black pen and my lecture notes. It's just that i'm really feeling it for acrylic painting right now and I think it's rare that I feel so strongly about something so even if it's just a temporary burst of interest, curiosity or passion, I want to grasp it very tightly and basically make the most out of this sudden burst of energy. Or whatever that is. I think years down the road, i'm gonna have to thank myself for making this decision right now. 

I guess i'm just all about living the life that I want at the moment. And I think I start to gravitate towards painting because of the colours that I can produce with paint. Its just so infinite and so flexible when it comes to paints. Its almost like I see these incredible colours in my life at the moment and I want to be able to reflect it all through paint. I see myself gravitating away from the dark days for the most part of 2014 and i'm genuinely happy to know that i'm happy. Like I feel a lot lighter recently and i'm really enjoying every moment with my friends in school and even moments when i'm alone. I'm beginning to really think that its really important to be able to be happy with yourself. I don't know what the future may bring but i'm definitely enjoying the single life right now, just doing whatever I want to, pursuing my interest and getting to know more about myself, my likes and dislikes, pretty much just living a better version of me. :)

Also, my heart is telling me that I want to travel. I want to travel to somewhere far, somewhere that i've yet to visit. And what I have in mind at the moment is probably UK, US or Australia. I can either go to UK after I graduate to look for my friend that's studying at Durham or I can find a partner to go over to the united states or australia with me. I'm actually pretty clueless about why I want to visit these places but I know that i'm gonna enjoy it. I've actually imagined myself stepping out of the airport into a foreign land and taking in the first breath of air in another country and be like crazy happy about it. This is me I guess. I don't need a ton of different itinerary, rushing from place to place to look at stuff. I just want to fly over, take my time to walk around, take in all that's available to my senses at my pace and relax. I'm definitely wanting to do this in the near future. In fact, I wouldn't mind travelling alone. It would be a very refreshing and eyeopening experience personally. Its a nice way to start anew when I return. :)

My thoughts today are just full of excitement and very much all over the place. I somewhat feel like a crazy hopping unicorn right now. LOL But i'm really happy~ Probably that's why.^^ I can foresee myself having a nice workout tomorrow morning and maybe make a trip to ArtFriend again? We'll see. ;)

J.

xoxo

ACRYLIC PAINTING?!

You know that feeling of legitimately feeling as if a light bulb just lighted up in your head and an uncontrolled, subconscious smile pops up on your face? I just had that amazing moment today. 

Walked into ArtFriend to look for a gift box and some papers for a card and ended up wandering into the other aisles. (When I have yet to even find whatever I went there for. That's so me. -_-) What first caught my attention was the crazy huge canvases I saw on the shelves. I thought it was cardboard or paper of some sort. But it was canvases. The first time looking at canvases up close was pretty much an eyeopener. I never knew canvases were cloth stretched over a wooden frame LOL How ignorant of me. It was strangely satisfying looking at how white the canvases are. Huge sense of satisfaction and urge to just get one to go home with me. Which I literally almost did LOL 

As I strolled on, I saw paints and brushes. Yet again, the brand new brush bristles that are soft as hell in my opinion is so satisfying to look at I cannot even put my point across enough like how obsessed I was when it comes to these strange addictions. LOL (These strange addictions became more apparent in recent years. Never knew I had OCD to this extent) This was probably the moment when I made up my mind that i'm gonna try out painting. Not that i've never thought of actually putting that thought into actions but somehow just the idea of it looks pretty daunting. But things are different now~ I swear I almost just bought the materials home right there and then which I didn't cos I thought I didn't have enough knowledge about those stuff yet. And just to add on, those stuff can add up to quite a bit of expenses there. So the practical, realistic and logical side of me took over and I stood there just thinking through stuff. 

I was deciding between watercolour, oil painting or acrylic painting. I had my fair share of exposure to paints in primary school and during my growing years, However, I have never had the interest about what paint I was using. I never really cared. Just used whatever there was in fact. And most of those random paints were poster colour and watercolours, I don't think i've ever used acrylic or oil paints before and it was daunting yet immensely intriguing just thinking about it. 

Came to a decision to try out acrylic painting cos I love to see the sharp edges that pops right up off of the surface of a painting from brush strokes or whatever. That textured surface is the kind of look that I liked. I thought it was an interesting addition to a painting where its no longer just 2D and flat. I liked how it has more dimension and depth to how it looked. And so acrylic painting ended up to be the champion, walking away with all my thoughts. Literally. LOL

Can't bring myself to leave ArtFriend after 1.5 hours. Like can you believe it?? I actually stayed in there for that long just LOOKING at stuff. (Up till this point, I have still yet to find the things that I went there for LOL) Since I really couldn't not get anything, I decided to leave with two canvases. Mini ones. Which I think was the perfect size for what I had in mind. If my heart and mind stays in this long enough, I will ultimately wish to continue on to a real legit canvas some time in the near future. I can already picture what it'll be like and how much i'll enjoy just sitting there and spending a hell lot of time completing something. Arghhhh i'm excited just thinking about it!! 

I need exams to be over like asap. So that I can make that trip down to Artfriend again to get paint and brushes this time round. I hope this whole drawing/painting thing can be a legit hobby that stays with me as I proceed into adulthood just as reading is for me. I think it's a really nice feeling to know that you have something that you truly enjoy doing and look forward to doing in life.^^

That pretty much sums up my random thoughts on a random night which I am supposed to be studying but I got way too distracted today so whatever. LOL Got to sleep soon and really prepare for my first paper on monday. Just one week. Its gonna be fun. I know it. ;)

J.

xoxo

好。说我被激怒也好，什么都好。 

Fuck it. I'm gonna push till i drop. 

幸福，的不远处。

仍然相信世上存在着爱与希望。

这不是痴人说梦。因为相信幸福就在不远处。





大家要开心，快乐，幸福哦~

晚安。

J.
xoxo

A WEEK IN SUMMARY.

That day, when it started pouring after school and I decided to walk a little in the rain. 

Feels SO good. At least for that moment. :)

Ridiculously tiring workout but I think I might need a little more of it.

Fooling around during practical with my CBE sista.<3

It was a day with an amazing sunset, hence the photo inspiration. 

Yanyou's birthday. One of my best bro in class. So thankful for his existence. :)

Still can't believe everyone is under the cookie run spell. Sigh. 

Best group of bros in poly though.<3

Just a random doodle in class. 

As much as I wish to, I still can't really concentrate in lectures.

Doing better though! 

Still thinking about exploring the currently non existent artistic side of me. 

:) 

Had a lunch date with mum.<3

So sinful but it's long gone so I shall self delete the fact that i've eaten it. 

*deletes*

;)

Had a little retail therapy with mum after our lunch date. Hehe

Feels so nice to shop properly for once.^^

Still pretty much "taking a break" from everything. I'm very much aware that it's probably time to put a stop to all the negativity now. But hey it really isn't all that bad. Really. I've came so far from months back. Just feel the need for more time to myself. It hasn't been easy and I know its not an excuse to be like this but i'm not giving up. In this aspect, my mental strength has always been in abundance. I truly love and enjoy life so much to let things like this extinguish the passion that I have for living. I'm just taking it slow, to take a break, and to make sure that I really leave everything behind.

With that, i'm really thankful for everyone that has always been there for me. Friends that understand and allow me my space. I know it has been taking quite a while, this alone time for myself kind of thing. But I really think it's necessary. So, i'm thankful for everyone that didn't just leave when I needed to know that they are there when I need them, even when I don't necessarily pour myself out all the time. 

Guess that's just me. 

Anw, just a little update. Recently having loads of reports on hand I sometime's feel like i'm drowning in all that workload but sometimes I feel happy to work. LOL It's the last few months of my poly life and omg can't wait for this to end but yet I can't bear for this to end. Now that I think of it, since i've only got such a short amount of time life in NP, why should I even waste time and energy being depressed omg. Such a fool. LOL

Current random thoughts: 

I can't wait for Christmas to come! 

Should I sleep already or should I write a set of notes for tmw's lecture first? LOL 

J.

xoxo

不确定就别亲吻 感情很容易毁了一个人

之前

在你之前也许我真的从没爱过。。

LOSING YOU

 

Losing you wasn't part of the plan. 

But when it happened, I finally learned how. 

AFTER US, WHAT?

The more it ticks, the more I lose.

This is yet another blogpost that I typed out probably three months ago and failed to complete/ publish for whatever reasons there may be. I always get the feel to start writing and when i'm halfway through, I lose the feel. And so I stopped. But then again, isn't this exactly how writing has always been for me? Writing on this blog has always been a space for me to record down my life events, big or little. I just wished that I do this on a more regular basis. But oh well. I refuse to do forced blogging so whatever.

I just thought about how far i've came and how different life is right now for me as compared to last year. Or maybe two years back. Not gonna be all emo nemo right now cos its not the way I would want myself to live. I told myself that i'm gonna live a positive life, eliminating all negativity and I will do it.

Was just thinking about stuff and I guess unknowingly, I thought of him again. Not in the emo nemo way or the hateful way. Not in the I-can't-let-you-go way or the I-love-you way. Just thought of him as an individual, us, all that past memories, laughter and tears. It's so precious to me. These are memories that makes up my life and i've really come to terms with the fact that regardless how my life is going to be in the future, THIS is my life. Good or bad, I live. There's no turning back, nor is there any way to resist anything that comes my way. Sometimes you just have to take things in your stride. This is what i've learned as i'm nearing my twenties, It's inevitable that you feel sad or empty every now and then. Nobody promised that life is always smooth sailing and joyous. BUT life is a blessing on its own. That's for sure. I'm still as thankful as ever, for being alive and being who I am. I should probably start seeing myself in a different light soon.

You know how people say that your first love isn't really your first love until you experienced your first true love? (I'm sure it's not phrased like this but its smth along that line i'm pretty sure) I finally understood what that meant. I thought he was different (through the time that we lasted). He touched a part of me, emotionally that I dare say, no one has ever come into contact with. But it has been almost 8 months since it all ended. And I think i've came a long way when it comes to moving on from that relationship and healing and all that stuff. A part of me will always remember what happened. Its the truth. I can't possibly delete the memories just because I say I want to. But then again, I probably wouldn't want to delete the memories now either. Not because I can't let go of the past but because I cherish those times that we once shared. I'm not some cold blooded person that wish him the worst just because our relationship didn't work out. Of course I was hurt. Of course I hated him before. But that's all part of healing isn't it? A part of me will always love him. Though not in the way like how I used to. I lost the rights to love like I once did when he chose to leave, as harsh as it may seem. But its okay.

It may sound really stupid like why am I like this when he treated me like nothing? After hating him and what not, when tears started drying up and my vision became clearer, I came to realise that the last step to moving on would be wanting to see that he is happy. I'm not gonna say that I have an unconditional love like how his parents would have for him but its true that I want to wish him the best. Knowing that someone else entered his life, I see myself wishing that she'd be able to provide him with the happiness that he wants. I have accepted and come to terms with the fact that our time together is up. The last bit of respect that I can have for myself would be to turn back and leave. That's what I did and I saved the final bit of dignity that I think I deserved.

Currently on my way to rebuilding a life that's without him. A life that I should be leading just as I would right now, if I hadn't met him. I'm searching for a better me.

This journey of rebuilding isn't easy. But it's very much necessary. After all, I did gave up a part of me that has returned bruised. Intentional or not, it doesn't really matter. It takes time to return back to normal but at least I can say that i'm okay now. Isn't that good enough?

Thank you for all that we've once shared. 

I look forward to the day,

where I can finally learn to embrace beyond your shadow.

如果可以，我愿意。

"You are a minute of quiet in a loud shouting world."

“宁可空白了手等候一次真心的拥抱。”

I miss the peace i once had. 

Just want to get back on track and be happy. For good. For the rest of forever. 

NOW AND THEN

Just to put it out there, a great portion of this blogpost was written months ago. And yes, times were ridiculously hard then. Not even gonna deny the slightest bit. But today, as I complete the rest of this blogpost, the wound has healed pretty much since then and i'm a whole lot better. Just wanted this to serve as a reminder for myself of that experience and that part of my life. Its my life after all isn't it? :) 

Life's hard. 

Hmmm.. In all honesty, i'm not having an easy time. Don't necessarily show it all the time but yeah I feel it on the inside every single day, every single second, every single moment for the past few months.

And guess what. I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate how vulnerable I am to you. That you are able to leave like that with no implications or whatsoever, that you are able to be so fine when i'm barely even okay. You'd probably have no fucking idea how much tears i've wasted crying over you, no idea how much energy I drained myself of in the past few months every single day, just reminding myself to keep breathing and its okay. 

Even as i'm typing it hurts me so bad but I still want to do it. I need to remind myself of what you did to me, the pain that i'm feeling, the mistake that I did to end up losing all that I could possibly wish for, in exchange for a temporary and never once real fantasy. 

But that means nothing now. Since the day you left, I changed. You left a scar in me, took everything away from me, I cannot choose not to change. I trust no one. I trust no words. I trust no emotions that I feel. Everything is a lie. Its a fucking lie that caused me this agony right now. 

But, on the brighter note, I feel so much stronger right now and I believe when I brave through these all, i'll be glad you left. I saw my worth that you failed to see. I realised how little love i'm giving to myself and how I gave you too much to be taken for granted. I learned a painful lesson on what I treasure the most when I lost it. Most importantly, what kind of person you really are, or rather who you became over time. Someone that I failed to recognise, at least from the first time I met you. You want fame. You want glory. You want popularity. And these are all that I cannot give to you. And so I automatically became something that doesn't fit your "wants" anymore. But thanks for leaving without a reason. 

To a certain extent, I hate myself for falling for you even in the slightest bit. Because I want to make up for everything so bad but there's nothing that I can do to turn back time. But I believe whatever goes around comes around. Cos what I did then was exactly what you did to me a few months back. For that, if its considered as a pay-back, I have nothing to say. But i've accepted it, as much as it hurts. Cos i'd be okay. 

It helps I guess, to be typing all these to remind myself and be so painfully honest with my thoughts and feelings cos all the more it feels real and I think I just took another step away from my past. More ready to move on than ever. 

So... It has indeed been a while since I revisited this blogpost. That's right. I didn't have the courage to do so, neither did I have the courage to publish it. I typed it all out in one night but failed to click on the publish button. It was just too raw. That stabbing pain was around then. I couldn't bear to face it. But now I can. And i'm going to come back stronger and better. Just wait. My "deadline" to start anew is coming up and i'm looking forward to it. I feel pumped up and ready. But don't get it wrong. Not doing it to show anybody but myself. Even though I admit, at the very start it was the exact opposite. Cos you know how ppl always say: The best revenge is to show them that you are better off without them. Its true to a certain extent but nope. You're not worth my time even to plan for revenge.  

Its just a very dark period of my life that I really do not wish to revisit. I was full of resentment, full of anger and disappointment. That few months was hard. It was hard even just trying to lead a normal life. But I did it. And through it all, I came out different. I wouldn't say that its a positive change nor is it a negative change. I'm just, different.

As I close the chapter to your name, i've decided not to give my all to anyone anymore. Until they prove to be worthy of my effort. I will not trust what someone appears to be anymore. Until time tells me who they really are. I will not lower myself to accommodate and lose myself in the process anymore. Because I know the ones who care will never allow that to happen and those who do, do not care. So neither should I. I will live my life to the fullest, happiest, and be my own happiness. Cos at least I know a little about what to do, if not entirely, to not hurt myself. 

Maybe you need the same thing to happen on you to understand how it feels like, to know that you should never do this to anyone. Cos it was what happened to me. I learned it the hard way, I only fully understood the damage I might have inflicted on someone when it happened to me. And trust me. The pain is smth that I never want to feel again. Its just too much to bear. But then again, that doesn't mean that it won't get better. Cos even though it felt like the end of the world to me, that I probably wouldn't be able to love someone else the same way again, eventually things just changes. It felt more like a beginning, a new start to start afresh and I feel more determined to love someone even more cos honestly love is what makes life beautiful. Its not everything to life. But I really do want to spend my life loving someone that loves me as much as I do, never holding back his love and affection. Its okay that you're not "The One" cos right now I wouldn't want you to be either. If I have to be interesting to keep your love with me, sad to say but I really don't know if that's love at all. If you can only take me for me at my highest moments, then i'm afraid you haven't really loved anyone before. 

I'll take my time and wait for that special one to come into my life. Someone that I know would always be there. Despite all the negativity that i've seen and heard, a part of me always holds onto the thought that there's definitely someone out there that's just meant for me. One day that thought will finally become reality. I'll keep faith and walk on. 

Despite all that unhappiness between us, still, thanks for the memories, and the lesson learned. Whether or not what we once shared was true, it doesn't really matter right now. As for whether we ever end up as friends again, I do not have an answer to that. Maybe we would, maybe we won't. All I know is that, as a friend, you have my utmost friendship. Once again the choice is up to you cos i've got nothing to lose anyway.

I'm finally freed. :)

Lost and found don't always happen. Even if it does, it won't happen twice. I got to bear in mind that. 

Why is it that it still feels like its planned? Its like everything is "meant to happen" for once this sentence legitimately feels legit. What whaaat.  

I sense a storm brewing. Really digging my own grave and I don't know what to do. Zzz -.-

What was I thinking seriously. Please quit being so naive. Please. 

NPF BONDING CAMP 2014

Just back from a bonding camp and it was amazing. As much as I didn't really want to attend, I did, and I think it was the wisest choice ever. I opened up more to the current batch of juniors and I didn't feel as socially awkward as I thought I was. Okay in fact I still think I am. Just somehow I clicked with them. Not sure how, not sure why. But I guess even friends require some sort of chemical reaction to take place I suppose. The chemical equation was just appropriate and balanced I guess. If you get what I mean hehe. 

All in all, it was fun, I feel accepted and pumped up for the near future. I see my plans and stuff becoming clearer and i'm beyond happy. Not gonna blabber too much, just gonna let the pictures do the talking. :)

xoxo

Can things go my way already..?