意外惊喜

有个意外惊喜值得我欣慰。

今天，我还是快乐的。昨天的快乐延续到了今天。

我不要再过隐姓埋名的日子了

有多久没有发自内心感到快乐了？真的好久好久了。。差点就以为自己会被埋没掉。没想到竟然有转机。。虽然有点怀疑这种日子能持续多久，可是最起码今天的我是开心的。

真正由内而发的开心。这是我坚持的理由。

DISAPPOINTED

How many people actually truly give a shit about you?

Trusting and entrusting is easy. To trust and entrust entirely with your whole being is probably near impossible. 

Haven't done that.

NOVICES 2013

Just back from Novices and I must say I really did enjoy myself through the entire process. It was a fun experience even though I didn't make it past round of 32. But then again, I got past Poules and got into DE!! That's totally mission accomplished for little me~ 

So its really mixed feelings I guess? Disappointed cos I could have done so much better. But super happy to be able to get into round of 32 (though I still think that a lot of luck is involved in this). :P 

Beyond touched by the seniors that stood behind me and cheered me on when I thought everything was falling apart. Knowing that hoyang, claudia, yushi, suyuan, ben, jinru, yongchee and weixiang, are cheering for me and that I have them to fall back on, regardless of the results, make me feel accepted and wanted I guess. They gave me the courage to press on and fight for what I wanted. They gave me the assurance that everything will be fine. They are part of what made it possible for me to enter DE. 

Got to tame my nerves next sunday though. Scary as it seems to stand alone on the piste, I think I can do it. And I will continue to prove myself wrong. That i'm not capable.

Says who? 

CHUBBY BUNNY

Hahaha I swear this is so damn cute! :D Definitely made my day~~

CRAPPY LONELY SOUL

Hello.

I swear my mood is just getting crappier by the day. Honestly. Its been bugging me for quite a while now and omg I feel absolutely miserable. I don't like the feeling of being unhappy AT ALL.

But yet I can't really name what is the exact problem that's bothering me for so freaking long. It just feels like everything. Everything is just not going the way I wanted. School, friends, fencing, committee stuff, myself and everything else. Seriously. The past two weeks or so i'm just like a piece of crap. I don't even know how to describe that feeling anymore. Its changing me into another person that I hate.

I can't believe I get irritated SO easily recently. And I often feel very bad for saying the wrong things in a spite of anger when I didn't even mean it and ended up feeling even more miserable than before. This weird anger brewing inside me occurs cos i'm just SO over sensitive lately. Like really the smallest thing that happen can get on my nerves so freaking bad. Worse of all, saying things that I don't mean and hurting other people in the process just kills me a little on the inside everytime. And this me, now, while controlling that crazy anger. Imagine I didn't control at all, I would have said things that i'll definitely regret saying. 

So many days, I just wanted to cry and tell somebody about everything. But I don't know how to. Its something that I don't know how to explain and I don't know what the hell is wrong with everything. ITS JUST BUGGING ME NON STOP.

Thankfully, despite all the disgusting mess that i'm in, I have you being very tolerant with my abnormal behavior and continue to stand by me. Listen to me rant non stop and sat with me when I didn't feel like speaking. It is only in front of you that I didn't have to put on a smile and pretend that everything is alright. All that you've done made me feel apologetic cos i'm probably one of the most hard-to-be-with person right now and I know I probably haven't been very nice to be with either. But is probably the only thing that I can be happy about right now. 

I hope things will get better. Soon. So I can spare myself from this misery and spare the people around me some trouble too.

Whatever.

Bye.

TO THOSE NIGHTS

To those nights --  Wongfu Productions

LOVING YOURSELF

Oh well~ I know its like super early now but i'm just waiting to go to school so..

Saw this video up on my subscription list when I pop by Youtube to check things out a bit after checking my mail. And the title drew me in like almost immediately. "Love yourself".

Just ytd, I was watching 美乐加油 at home on channel U with my mum cos it was on repeat at 1pm. And it dawned on me that probably it really is the right thing to start loving myself before even expecting anybody else to love me. Cos in the show, there's this always selfless 查美乐 being enlightened by 韩以烈 (not sure if its the right word here but oh well.) and she realised that she found the type of coffee that she liked and not just drinking whatever other people liked. 韩以烈 made her realised the importance of being able to make her own decisions and just do what she liked doing. Making a choice that she would be happy about and not just being happy cos others are happy. Cos nobody would love a person who doesn't know how to love herself. And she was enlightened. So am I.

Seeing this video today just adds on to the enlightenment more. It made me really wonder if I should start loving myself more and learn to make the decisions of my choice. I guess i'm so used to following others' decisions because I feel protected in a way when I know that there is somebody I can fall back on and rely on. They will help me and decide for me whatever that seemed the best for me. I really think this is the reason behind everything. 

So when people say "I don't know" it made me panic a little on the inside. It actually feels like I lost the person that I can fall back on, at least momentarily. I know it sounds absolutely crazy but I guess that just how things go inside me. Anw, i'd love to make myself feel protected in another way rather than what I mentioned above. It probably then fit the convention way of loving myself I guess. Making decisions every now and then wouldn't seem that bad at all. :)

So.. back to the video, you wouldn't find that she's perfect in speech or whatever, but I find her getting the message across in a very true manner, it makes me think that she's someone that stays true to herself and really is in the process of loving herself and trying to get rid of her insecurities. Not that its an easy task but at least she's trying. And I really loved the way she presented herself in the video. It feels different. 

I guess today's like a more cheered up me writing a blogpost. So have a good day. :)

THE OTHER SIDE

Totally in love with this song. This cover to be exact. 

又一次的领悟

也许我就是那么容易被敷衍。那么容易被任何人取代。 就是那么渺小。

不能改变的事实。 对吧？

最近还好吗

突然想要做一次心灵分享。太久没有在这个平台分享自己的生活点滴了，感觉似乎忽略了这个曾经陪伴我度过生活里许许多多的高低起伏，属于我自己的国度。突然对这里想念了。

最近还好吗？最近的我并不好。突然领略了好多人生较为悲哀的一面，也看到了人心的丑陋。甚至让我有种在现阶段格格不入的感觉。。

我觉得自己是多余的。。我是多余的吗？请告诉我。

面对不够了解我的人，我得不到谅解，得不到在朋友面前应有的解脱，零束缚的感觉。这也逐渐地让我在了解我的人面前，觉得自己不够好，永远就在他人背后，永远如此的渺小。在爱我的人面前，不晓得自己哪一点值得他去执着。。

很久都没有如此悲观，可是有时身边的人，事，物，都不断把我推向悬崖，恨不得看到我失败，堕落，我的懦弱。

有时真的很想要放下一切，但人总是矛盾的。一想到我的未来，真正支持我的朋友，真正爱我的人，家人，又不得不叫自己爬起来，继续往前走。也不是不知道身边还有那么多关心我的人，只不过我会不由自主地觉得我凭什么得到他们的关心和爱。我自认自己不够好，就不知道别人眼里的我是否也是如此。。我没有那份信心告诉自己我是优秀的。

在悲伤占据我的心的同时，感觉到源源不绝的爱，却又像为一双被泪水模糊了的眼眸递上一张纸巾一样，有些许地让昏暗的世界亮了起来。

最近还好吗？我似乎好一点了。

这是逼迫自己坚强的见证。