JUST FOR TODAY

Strangers with memories. 

How can people become strangers with memories? Its a brutal relation that two people can have with each other. It is so brutal that I feel defeated when I have to face it and have acceptance towards it. 

It's been a while since I last had feelings like this.

I know i've long walked out of my past. The new transformation that is in me is undeniable. But, when flashbacks happen, I cannot help but surrender to it momentarily. To allow the feeling of regret wash over me. Reminding me of every little detail of how I lost someone so dear to me. How that mere 1 year and 3 months in both our lives were like fireworks, the initial ignition, the explosion of feelings and emotions for each other, the brightest sparks that left such emotions branded into my entire being that eventually had to die down into nothing. 

This is something that I had to learn to face. The fear of having to feel it all again makes me terrified. Which is absolutely the reason why I know better than to rush into things right now. I learned that feelings alone is never enough. Compatibility is as important. I failed to achieve emotional and mental intimacy and there were a lot of things that weren't compatible but being blinded by feelings was a mistake that I can never afford to make again. 

This is life. It was love. I guess I never understood what love is defined as. Never till his presence in my life. 

I'm in pain. But I know the pain will be gone when I wake up tomorrow. Because I don't live in the past anymore. For a better me, for a better tomorrow. 

But for today, let me miss you. 

J.

AFTER POLY, THEN WHAT?

As much as I am having loads of fun planning for post poly grad trips and what not, its probably time to face reality as well. 

The question is: To register for University, or not?

I honestly can't make up my mind, as far as university goes. I genuinely see the need to have a degree. However, what do I study? I really don't see myself continuing with Chemical Engineering anymore. And I even find having to sit at an office desk for the rest of my life absolutely daunting. I am not someone to be tied to a computer on a desk. That's not what I want to see myself doing in the future. 

But, not doing that, what can I do? Friends around me have been giving me loads of advice on what I should do. Some say that its a pity to not continue with Chemical Engineering. Some say I should just go ahead and try registering with the local Universities even though I might not necessarily meet the requirements. Some supports my initial idea of changing course in University. I'm so thankful to have them all listening to me and helping me make up my mind but, what do I really want? I don't think its not what I want that I do not know of. I'm just scared and afraid of the uncertainty that i'm facing at the moment.

Will this be the best step that i've taken so far, or will it be the worst mistake that i'll ever make? That to me, is the scariest part of all.

J.
xoxo

FIRST WEEK OF 2015

Day 9 of 365. 

Slightly more than a week have passed, upon entering the new year. 2015 is great. As of now. 9 days into the new year, i'm pretty much enjoying the life that i'm leading right now. Quite a bit has been going on lately and i've settled some stuff, started on some stuff as well. It's just really exciting to just think about what i've planned out for myself in the few months ahead. 

First thing first, I should be going to travel around UK during mid March till the end of March if nothing crops up from now till then. Gavin and I just settled the plane tickets a few days ago and everything's paid for and basically we're almost like counting down to the day where we can finally make our way to London, where our UK journey starts. We have yet to plan our journey for the 18 days that we will be spending in the UK but I believe we will be doing so in the near future before we fly over. I'm just overflowing with excitement and eagerness to travel over to experience and feel all that i've imagined so far. As of now, only the plane tickets are settled but there are way more to go when it comes to packing and planning for our trip and i'll leave the rest till i'm slightly more free cos right now i'm just drowning in piles of reports to submit and finals are coming in a month or so, which explains why this is a hideously busy period for a student in her final term before graduating. 

However, very fortunately, I found the time to get started on my very first painting using acrylic paint during the very first week of school when school started after the new year. I realised that acrylic painting is way harder than what I had imagined and I barely managed to complete half of my painting after half a day sitting on the floor blending and squeezing non stop. But I must say that it is something that I definitely see myself adopting as a hobby because it really is therapeutic to paint. You forget about the passing of time when painting. Its pretty peaceful and serene to just sit and be yourself. There's something weirdly satisfying too, probably cos i've never really got the chance to explore such areas to have a feel for myself.

I think overall i've been getting on really well with my new year resolutions for 2015. I started with acrylic painting, cleaned out my entire room and am in the progress of putting it together with photos and my own paintings over time as I complete more pieces. As for making trips down to museums in general, I have yet to be able to find time to do it at the moment because of school and homework and stuff but its okay there will be opportunities to visit the museums in London and I believe it will be as amazing. :)

I definitely feel good and i'm glad that there's a lot more of doing than actual planning this year, which is always good. Though this is not as obvious when it comes to school work cos honestly, as fun as chemical engineering really is, I can only say that it is fun only if you know exactly what you are doing and if you don't, it just sucks so bad. I really am trying to get it over and done with before moving on to the next stage in life where I don't really see myself pursuing a further degree in chemical engineering. I don't know if its something that i'll regret taking in the future, this route in chemical engineering in general but I think it should be fine. I can't deny that it opened me to many insights to the industry that I actually don't mind working in for a living but not so much about pursuing a higher degree in it. We'll see when the time comes. :)

That's quite a bit for slightly more than a week and I feel awesome. I'm slowly getting back into reading again, which is always nice. Currently reading a book by James Patterson, "First Love" which I think is strangely addicting. I don't even know if I can call it a good book but at the moment, yes I am absolutely drawn into the story very much. I hope this is a book that gets me back into reading like what I used to do. :)

Till then, all's good. :)

"Carpe Diem. Because today, after all, was all we knew we had."

J.
xoxo 

PAGE 1 OF 365 [2015] -- LOOKING BACK AT 2014

Hello there! 

Its the first day of the new year and I woke up at roughly 11:30AM today, took in a deep breath and was like 'Wow, there it goes. Another year's over.' Then at 12 noon, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when the bell in the church chimed. That feeling of hearing the church bell chime that washes over me is still the same. And I love it still. 

I guess I just wanted to do a little recap for 2014, which is last year, as well as to record down my new year resolution for 2015 and some other expectations and stuff along the way. 

As i've shared on instagram, 2014 has been a year of ups and downs, specifically at the beginning of the year. As time passes, things just took a turn for the better and i'm feeling really blessed and thankful for that. 

Basically in the first quarter of the year, W. and I met with an ordeal and from there we finally went separate ways. I was thrown right down into the darkest pit and I basically moped around trying to get back on track and trying to lead a normal life without him. Losing someone that you loved so dearly is never easy and the journey of standing back up again on your own is probably one of the worst thing to do. For the next 6 months or so, time and time again I would think that i'm finally done with the pain and whatnot but yet, time and time again I would find myself facing reality right in the face and I would crumble and fall back down. As much as I really wanted to give up there and then, somehow I managed to/ felt like I desperately needed to stand back up again and I did. Though I ended up falling again and again numerous times, but undeniably, each time that I managed to stand back up, I felt stronger and more capable of fighting against the pain of the past. 

And so I went on to internship brokenhearted and I must say that the 6 months that I spent working is a really good chance to recover away from his presence and to have time on my own to think through things and get ready for the future. It was during this period of time that I got closer to myself, exploring my likes and dislikes with honesty and spending time alone and with friends to search for happiness again. After internship, I genuinely thought that I was alright already. And I almost believed myself as well until I realised that I felt forced whenever I smiled and laughed. Almost like I didn't want to smile and laugh but i'm making myself do it because I had to. That realization pains me to even think about it. I felt lost. I didn't know what to do because I was so unhappy. I felt lost about being happy. I was worrying like what if I never could be happy again? But as time passes, school resumed, I started enjoying everything a little more bit by bit and slowly but surely I saw a change in my mood and emotions. And so the day finally came when I realised that I no longer feel forced when I smiled. It felt great. To be happy again. 

From then on till ytd, my happiness level in me just went higher and higher. I started feeling genuinely happy and its only the start. I'm really happy about being able to move from W. and to find interest and curiosity in art, how i'm no longer afraid to spend time alone, how i'm seeing myself in a different light and have higher self esteem, basically how i'm so much happier as an individual. 

Its amazing how so much can change in a year/ a few months time. I already feel like i'm a better version of myself as compared to the start of 2014 but in 2015, i'm striving to become an even better version of myself.

With that being said, there are a few resolutions that i've set for myself in this new year.

RESOLUTIONS [2015]:

#01 Explore acrylic painting

#02 Make trips to art museums

#03 Heath (drink more water, exercise, eat well, sleep early)

#04 Do splits

#05 Be organised

So that's pretty much it for the resolutions. I'm happy that I managed to become a more optimistic person in general and fulfill my resolution from last year. Its probably not all but I lost track to be honest and to prevent that from happening again, i'm gonna write it down in black and white this year. ;)

That's about it~ I will continue to be optimistic and happy, constantly contented and count my blessings and be thankful. Basically living the life that I would dream of, with gratitude, hope and confidence. :)

Happy new year! 

J.

xoxo