A WEEK IN SUMMARY.

That day, when it started pouring after school and I decided to walk a little in the rain. 

Feels SO good. At least for that moment. :)

Ridiculously tiring workout but I think I might need a little more of it.

Fooling around during practical with my CBE sista.<3

It was a day with an amazing sunset, hence the photo inspiration. 

Yanyou's birthday. One of my best bro in class. So thankful for his existence. :)

Still can't believe everyone is under the cookie run spell. Sigh. 

Best group of bros in poly though.<3

Just a random doodle in class. 

As much as I wish to, I still can't really concentrate in lectures.

Doing better though! 

Still thinking about exploring the currently non existent artistic side of me. 

:) 

Had a lunch date with mum.<3

So sinful but it's long gone so I shall self delete the fact that i've eaten it. 

*deletes*

;)

Had a little retail therapy with mum after our lunch date. Hehe

Feels so nice to shop properly for once.^^

Still pretty much "taking a break" from everything. I'm very much aware that it's probably time to put a stop to all the negativity now. But hey it really isn't all that bad. Really. I've came so far from months back. Just feel the need for more time to myself. It hasn't been easy and I know its not an excuse to be like this but i'm not giving up. In this aspect, my mental strength has always been in abundance. I truly love and enjoy life so much to let things like this extinguish the passion that I have for living. I'm just taking it slow, to take a break, and to make sure that I really leave everything behind.

With that, i'm really thankful for everyone that has always been there for me. Friends that understand and allow me my space. I know it has been taking quite a while, this alone time for myself kind of thing. But I really think it's necessary. So, i'm thankful for everyone that didn't just leave when I needed to know that they are there when I need them, even when I don't necessarily pour myself out all the time. 

Guess that's just me. 

Anw, just a little update. Recently having loads of reports on hand I sometime's feel like i'm drowning in all that workload but sometimes I feel happy to work. LOL It's the last few months of my poly life and omg can't wait for this to end but yet I can't bear for this to end. Now that I think of it, since i've only got such a short amount of time life in NP, why should I even waste time and energy being depressed omg. Such a fool. LOL

Current random thoughts: 

I can't wait for Christmas to come! 

Should I sleep already or should I write a set of notes for tmw's lecture first? LOL 

J.

xoxo

不确定就别亲吻 感情很容易毁了一个人

之前

在你之前也许我真的从没爱过。。

LOSING YOU

 

Losing you wasn't part of the plan. 

But when it happened, I finally learned how. 

AFTER US, WHAT?

The more it ticks, the more I lose.

This is yet another blogpost that I typed out probably three months ago and failed to complete/ publish for whatever reasons there may be. I always get the feel to start writing and when i'm halfway through, I lose the feel. And so I stopped. But then again, isn't this exactly how writing has always been for me? Writing on this blog has always been a space for me to record down my life events, big or little. I just wished that I do this on a more regular basis. But oh well. I refuse to do forced blogging so whatever.

I just thought about how far i've came and how different life is right now for me as compared to last year. Or maybe two years back. Not gonna be all emo nemo right now cos its not the way I would want myself to live. I told myself that i'm gonna live a positive life, eliminating all negativity and I will do it.

Was just thinking about stuff and I guess unknowingly, I thought of him again. Not in the emo nemo way or the hateful way. Not in the I-can't-let-you-go way or the I-love-you way. Just thought of him as an individual, us, all that past memories, laughter and tears. It's so precious to me. These are memories that makes up my life and i've really come to terms with the fact that regardless how my life is going to be in the future, THIS is my life. Good or bad, I live. There's no turning back, nor is there any way to resist anything that comes my way. Sometimes you just have to take things in your stride. This is what i've learned as i'm nearing my twenties, It's inevitable that you feel sad or empty every now and then. Nobody promised that life is always smooth sailing and joyous. BUT life is a blessing on its own. That's for sure. I'm still as thankful as ever, for being alive and being who I am. I should probably start seeing myself in a different light soon.

You know how people say that your first love isn't really your first love until you experienced your first true love? (I'm sure it's not phrased like this but its smth along that line i'm pretty sure) I finally understood what that meant. I thought he was different (through the time that we lasted). He touched a part of me, emotionally that I dare say, no one has ever come into contact with. But it has been almost 8 months since it all ended. And I think i've came a long way when it comes to moving on from that relationship and healing and all that stuff. A part of me will always remember what happened. Its the truth. I can't possibly delete the memories just because I say I want to. But then again, I probably wouldn't want to delete the memories now either. Not because I can't let go of the past but because I cherish those times that we once shared. I'm not some cold blooded person that wish him the worst just because our relationship didn't work out. Of course I was hurt. Of course I hated him before. But that's all part of healing isn't it? A part of me will always love him. Though not in the way like how I used to. I lost the rights to love like I once did when he chose to leave, as harsh as it may seem. But its okay.

It may sound really stupid like why am I like this when he treated me like nothing? After hating him and what not, when tears started drying up and my vision became clearer, I came to realise that the last step to moving on would be wanting to see that he is happy. I'm not gonna say that I have an unconditional love like how his parents would have for him but its true that I want to wish him the best. Knowing that someone else entered his life, I see myself wishing that she'd be able to provide him with the happiness that he wants. I have accepted and come to terms with the fact that our time together is up. The last bit of respect that I can have for myself would be to turn back and leave. That's what I did and I saved the final bit of dignity that I think I deserved.

Currently on my way to rebuilding a life that's without him. A life that I should be leading just as I would right now, if I hadn't met him. I'm searching for a better me.

This journey of rebuilding isn't easy. But it's very much necessary. After all, I did gave up a part of me that has returned bruised. Intentional or not, it doesn't really matter. It takes time to return back to normal but at least I can say that i'm okay now. Isn't that good enough?

Thank you for all that we've once shared. 

I look forward to the day,

where I can finally learn to embrace beyond your shadow.