Just to put it out there, a great portion of this blogpost was written months ago. And yes, times were ridiculously hard then. Not even gonna deny the slightest bit. But today, as I complete the rest of this blogpost, the wound has healed pretty much since then and i'm a whole lot better. Just wanted this to serve as a reminder for myself of that experience and that part of my life. Its my life after all isn't it? :)
Life's hard.
Hmmm.. In all honesty, i'm not having an easy time. Don't necessarily show it all the time but yeah I feel it on the inside every single day, every single second, every single moment for the past few months.
And guess what. I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate how vulnerable I am to you. That you are able to leave like that with no implications or whatsoever, that you are able to be so fine when i'm barely even okay. You'd probably have no fucking idea how much tears i've wasted crying over you, no idea how much energy I drained myself of in the past few months every single day, just reminding myself to keep breathing and its okay.
Even as i'm typing it hurts me so bad but I still want to do it. I need to remind myself of what you did to me, the pain that i'm feeling, the mistake that I did to end up losing all that I could possibly wish for, in exchange for a temporary and never once real fantasy.
But that means nothing now. Since the day you left, I changed. You left a scar in me, took everything away from me, I cannot choose not to change. I trust no one. I trust no words. I trust no emotions that I feel. Everything is a lie. Its a fucking lie that caused me this agony right now.
But, on the brighter note, I feel so much stronger right now and I believe when I brave through these all, i'll be glad you left. I saw my worth that you failed to see. I realised how little love i'm giving to myself and how I gave you too much to be taken for granted. I learned a painful lesson on what I treasure the most when I lost it. Most importantly, what kind of person you really are, or rather who you became over time. Someone that I failed to recognise, at least from the first time I met you. You want fame. You want glory. You want popularity. And these are all that I cannot give to you. And so I automatically became something that doesn't fit your "wants" anymore. But thanks for leaving without a reason.
To a certain extent, I hate myself for falling for you even in the slightest bit. Because I want to make up for everything so bad but there's nothing that I can do to turn back time. But I believe whatever goes around comes around. Cos what I did then was exactly what you did to me a few months back. For that, if its considered as a pay-back, I have nothing to say. But i've accepted it, as much as it hurts. Cos i'd be okay.
It helps I guess, to be typing all these to remind myself and be so painfully honest with my thoughts and feelings cos all the more it feels real and I think I just took another step away from my past. More ready to move on than ever.
So... It has indeed been a while since I revisited this blogpost. That's right. I didn't have the courage to do so, neither did I have the courage to publish it. I typed it all out in one night but failed to click on the publish button. It was just too raw. That stabbing pain was around then. I couldn't bear to face it. But now I can. And i'm going to come back stronger and better. Just wait. My "deadline" to start anew is coming up and i'm looking forward to it. I feel pumped up and ready. But don't get it wrong. Not doing it to show anybody but myself. Even though I admit, at the very start it was the exact opposite. Cos you know how ppl always say: The best revenge is to show them that you are better off without them. Its true to a certain extent but nope. You're not worth my time even to plan for revenge.
Its just a very dark period of my life that I really do not wish to revisit. I was full of resentment, full of anger and disappointment. That few months was hard. It was hard even just trying to lead a normal life. But I did it. And through it all, I came out different. I wouldn't say that its a positive change nor is it a negative change. I'm just, different.
As I close the chapter to your name, i've decided not to give my all to anyone anymore. Until they prove to be worthy of my effort. I will not trust what someone appears to be anymore. Until time tells me who they really are. I will not lower myself to accommodate and lose myself in the process anymore. Because I know the ones who care will never allow that to happen and those who do, do not care. So neither should I. I will live my life to the fullest, happiest, and be my own happiness. Cos at least I know a little about what to do, if not entirely, to not hurt myself.
Maybe you need the same thing to happen on you to understand how it feels like, to know that you should never do this to anyone. Cos it was what happened to me. I learned it the hard way, I only fully understood the damage I might have inflicted on someone when it happened to me. And trust me. The pain is smth that I never want to feel again. Its just too much to bear. But then again, that doesn't mean that it won't get better. Cos even though it felt like the end of the world to me, that I probably wouldn't be able to love someone else the same way again, eventually things just changes. It felt more like a beginning, a new start to start afresh and I feel more determined to love someone even more cos honestly love is what makes life beautiful. Its not everything to life. But I really do want to spend my life loving someone that loves me as much as I do, never holding back his love and affection. Its okay that you're not "The One" cos right now I wouldn't want you to be either. If I have to be interesting to keep your love with me, sad to say but I really don't know if that's love at all. If you can only take me for me at my highest moments, then i'm afraid you haven't really loved anyone before.
I'll take my time and wait for that special one to come into my life. Someone that I know would always be there. Despite all the negativity that i've seen and heard, a part of me always holds onto the thought that there's definitely someone out there that's just meant for me. One day that thought will finally become reality. I'll keep faith and walk on.
Despite all that unhappiness between us, still, thanks for the memories, and the lesson learned. Whether or not what we once shared was true, it doesn't really matter right now. As for whether we ever end up as friends again, I do not have an answer to that. Maybe we would, maybe we won't. All I know is that, as a friend, you have my utmost friendship. Once again the choice is up to you cos i've got nothing to lose anyway.
I'm finally freed. :)
