JOURNEY HOME

Rainy night, long bus ride, soft music. Everything is nudging at me, hinting that its a good time to reflect about life. LOL Not really. Just anything under the stars actually. Hehe. 

Thinking about how's life lately. Feels pretty good it seems. No longer afraid to be alone at home because thoughts don't run wild anymore. Well at least its not all emo nemo like what it used to be. Still get some meh days but overall it feels good. Have been wondering how long has it been since I last felt happiness from inside out. Don't know why I was so persistent about something that didn't make me happy anymore and hurt myself more than I already was. Well I guess sometimes you get confused about the things you do, the choices you make. And this confusion causes some sort of consequences every time. Without fail. It just depends on how light or heavy the consequences are. Sometimes little, sometimes a hell lot of sacrifices. And for the past choices that i've made, i've paid a price for it. Not sure if things are gonna get better from here but life's definitely good right now. Things happen and you come back up stronger, you feel okay again. But whatever it is, what's left behind stays behind. No point arguing about what the facts really are. Reality is that choices and sacrifices are made and the outcome wasn't really the best but you come out of it stronger than ever, lesson learned, a better life awaits. :) 

"If you would believe

Believe in the world

A vision of love

And the strength inside your heart

You'll find a way"

xoxo

CHILLED WEEKEND

 

Went for a really good run tonight to clear my mind. Then sat at the void deck to chill a little before going back home and it was awesome. Perfect lazy Sunday actually haha. Feels good to slow down my pace on weekends and just chill. With friends or alone doesn't matter. Most importantly is, just chill. Hahaha. 

And, I bought myself a sketch book today~~ *Happy* Gonna start drawing whenever inspiration comes. I sort of have one now but...... its really almost bed time. LOL I should get to bed soon. So I'll probably leave that till next time! 

Alright I honestly don't really have anything to update about today cos my weekends for this week is just really chilled. More focused on recharging myself rather than being out and about running around haha. Okay other than last night, went to meet a friend. And I guess that's pretty much it! Gonna meet up with another friend after work tomorrow so yeah. Hahaha. 

Still feeling really blessed right now but just a little meh today. 

"I'll make it there, 

To the place where reality and dreams

And love will be together."

xoxo

TAKING ONE STEP AT A TIME

Had a good chat with a friend today and I realised that i've indeed been trying to live the life that I sort of wanted, at least its what I want right now at this age and moment. :)

Haven't really noticed that i've been taking baby steps in living the life that I imagined myself to be living at the age of 18, going to 19 in 3 months' time. (Goodness gracious how time flies omg) It was until he mentioned, that I realised that there isn't a certain way of how we should look at things or how things are. Everything is flexible. 

I've been such a restricted person all my life up till now, not saying that having a traditional mindset about things and being conservative is wrong or not good but we really need some flexibility in our life too huh. Everything is flexible, the way we think, do things, look at things, are all flexible and is not restricted by any boundaries. We are the one that set these "boundaries" to our set of thinking, the way we do things and our perspectives towards certain things. But having said that, I still think that some things have to abide by the moral "guidelines", which I believe shouldn't really be considered as a boundary, cos otherwise, murdering someone would become something that is acceptable. If that even make sense. LOL

Okay what do I mean when I say that i'm taking baby steps in living the life that I sort of want now. Was telling my friend that i'm really into drawing lately, but its really very much more like copying. I don't mean copying like I copy people's artwork but more like I think about what I want to draw to express myself and what I feel on the inside at that particular moment, but because I have trouble visualizing how things look like in my head, I basically have to hold onto my ideas in my head and go online or find things around me that is actually presented in front of me, such that I can use my vision, take it in directly and copy the physically body of the thing that is representing my thoughts and emotion at the moment, then present it as a "drawing" that actually reflects what i'm thinking or feeling. Does that actually make sense? LOL I'm not a naturally born artist, got to admit that but I don't see why I shouldn't draw just because I can't draw very well. (Cos its not like i'm intending to make art my career, even though I actually wouldn't mind if there are people that appreciates my kind of art, just cos I think the art industry is one that is very flexible and basically unrestricted and you are allowed to let your creativity run wild)

But surprise surprise~ I'm quite amazed that I decided to do something even though i'm not perfect at it, despite the fact that there will be others out there that's not going to like the things that I like or the things that I drew, in this case. This already doesn't sound like me right? But amazing enough, I feel at ease when I do this. I'm completely at ease when I draw something and put it out online, on social platforms to share my self expressions. And honestly I feel flattered and extremely humbled when people that I don't know personally, from another part of the world, happened to come across my drawings, and decided to like it, when they themselves are amazing artists. This is crazy. I can't tell you how much that boosts my confidence, which also brings me back to the topic on flexibility. The discussion with my friend tonight, left me with a conclusion that I would say is pretty known already but its once again emphasised to me tonight and he made a point that I think encouraged me to keep my creativity juices flowing. Very grateful for that.

Art, to me is a form of self expression and there really isn't a fixed form of art, since music, dance, visual art, abstract art, they are all classified as arts. You name it, you got it. My view and horizon on the definition of art is widened when my friend told me that by collecting the cup sleeve from every cup of Starbuck's Green Tea Latte that I drank then writing down a thought of the day or a thought while drinking and put it all together, is a form of art by its own. I'm amazed at how such a simple thing can be classified as a from of art. It was then that I realised that hey i'm actually capable of such things. Who says art got to be paint and canvas? Well at least I don't restrict myself to think that way anymore. Haha.

These are some of the doodles that I did fairly recently, honestly speaking, I think they are all flawed, but all flawed in their own unique ways I guess, as what I would like to call it. Haha. Even if they are not perfect doodlings, I felt happy and content to be able to come up with them so why not? :)

 

This is actually my hand by the way. LOL I kind of screwed up at the pinky but oh wells. 

 

And then this, a piece that I just completed ytd, with pencil then tracing over it with a pen, just so I thought the drawing will be able to stay permanent if its in pen. LOL But the effect of what the tip of the pen can provide the drawing with makes me pretty satisfied so i'm good. :) It's a special piece to me as well, just cos "Your hope is deeper than pain" is from the song "I'll be your love", that I mentioned in my previous blogpost, that its a song that picks me up and pushes me on, sends a wave of calming effect over me when I needed it and I really liked that particular sentence. :) The meaning behind this drawing is very direct and simple, nothing too abstract too and like I said, everything I draw represents something that I feel on the inside. 

Really proud that i've come this far, really working towards what I want and what I like, living for myself, for who I am. The pair of wings represents hope, and the barb wire represents pain. Notice that the barb wire only holds onto the end of the wings? Its my way of expressing that I am full of hope for the future and i'm breaking free from what's holding me down and constantly causing me pain. The other end of the barb wire is left pretty long because it signifies that i've came a long way to reach the stage that i'm at right now and i'm really proud of it. :) 

Oh ya this is the unedited version, I didn't use any filters for this photo but I edited it on the brightness and exposures and all that stuff that I wished I didn't have to use but the lighting of the original photo is just really bad. Sigh. 

Really happy, really fulfilled, feels like i'm finally making a change, sort of, a good change. Haha. There's a few more things that I am into right now, that I have the intention of pursuing in the near future. Violin is definitely one of them, after I get the strings fixed. LOL Then photography is another thing that I wish to try, just cos I want to capture memories of things around me, that sort of stuff. Haha And also to look at things from a different perspective, different angle I guess. My future self is gonna thank me for all that i'm doing right now haha. Can't explain how fulfilled I feel at the moment really. I totally see how constant positive energy and positive vibes changes the way you think and the way you look at things. I can see myself accomplishing the resolutions of the year 2014 and i'm really happy, thankful, looking forward and feeling really blessed with what i've got right now. :)

xoxo

"Don't you cry

Over the past

Some days might be grey

And dreary

Not easy to leave

To leave it behind

'Til the rain stops in silence

I'll be there to hold your heart

I'll be with you

'Til you find the reason for love

We take it for granted

We'll keep the time from fading

''cause the world is here to stay

Your hope is deeper than pain"

This has such a calming effect on me and that part up there, is my favourite. Feel the need to slow down our steps and just live, But oh well~ Hectic is in my blood now. LOL Enjoying the sense of responsibility I get from working but oh my, when i'm tired, I literally feel like I can just sink to the ground and just melt there. Well at least that's what it feels like after work every day, even though I feel extremely fulfilled. (Kk sounds like i'm contradicting myself LOL)

Actually I didn't have anything to write about today but somehow I ended up doing so. Haha. It has been a really long time since I last wrote legit stuff in words and I sort of wish I can write in pen, on paper, instead of typing like this, But being able to type is still way better than nothing huh. Haha. I'm in the right mood for expressing my thoughts and feelings in words now I guess, I believe its a come and go feeling, that's why I don't really update regularly. Haha. 

Hmm.. Don't really know how to express myself in words now cos it feels very complex inside haha. Not necessarily in a bad way I guess. Just more like amazed at how we really don't see the things we see at that moment, when you are where you are in the past, if that even makes sense. LOL But you see everything way way after that, like everything that's hidden away in the nooks and crannies. Its just overwhelming I guess.

Things get forgotten all the time but they never really leave your mind. I guess that's the most accurate way of expressing what i'm thinking right now, this very moment. 

:)

xoxo

BACK.

Probably ought to be sleeping at this unearthly hour cos i've still got work tomorrow but I guess i'll complete this before I head off to bed. Its sad how 12am is considered as an unearthly hour now that i'm made to devote 8 hours a day, 5 days a week to work. 

It has changed a whole deal of my life and, not gonna complain, I kind of am grateful for it. For one, I feel a whole lot more organised than what I used to be, definitely more responsible as well. Two, I liked how work occupied my thoughts and time for the time being. I'd like to think of it as something that's planned in advance, for me, to have me set a deadline for myself and to just so happen to have my last day of work be on that deadline. My 19th birthday would be the turning point for myself. 

I like to see of it as a healing process/journey that's planned just for me. Its hard to explain but recently everything is just clearer for me and I start to see things in very different perspectives, being significantly more positive on the outlook of life in general. I'm not sure how long I can keep up with this kind of positivity, but at least for now it seems to work. And that's gonna be another whole blogpost all together. 

Well I guess what has been crossing my mind the most recently is this question. When would you like to go back to, if you were given the chance to go back into the past, turn back time and make a change? What would you change? This question has been discussed various times since secondary school days and i've always struggled for an answer, even though i've never told anyone. I still gave an answer to the friend that asked that question but was it really when I wanted to turn back time just to return to? I'm not too sure about that. Recently, this question popped up in my head a lot. Weirdly enough just like what my brain wanted me to do, I began asking myself that. I began searching for an answer within me. Guess doing paper work in the office left too much free time for my head to generate such random thoughts. LOL 

It didn't take me long before I realised that I had an answer to that question already. There's two different periods of my life that i'd like to return to if I had the chance to. First, would be to return to secondary one and re-live it all over once more and savor everything in great detail, just cos it was probably one of the best times of my life. Secondly, i'd like to return back to 2012, when I first entered poly and I would not join fencing. That's the change that i'll make. I would hold onto what I had tighter and be firmer with what I believed in. But I guess things happens and what I think would always be just a thought. The scar will still be there and nothing's gonna change. It's always been a thing in human that we regret the decisions that we make at some point of our lives. That's why there's "what ifs". People say: "In the end, you only regret the chances you didn't take" but what if you regret the chances that you took? I've got no answer to that. LOL Despite everything, i've still got to keep faith and believe that everything happens for a reason and what's meant to be will be.

xoxo

I really wish to turn back time. No don't get me wrong. There are just some mistakes that I wished that i've never made. Then probably karma wouldn't hit me like a bitch right now. Can't believe how confused I was. Or maybe i'm still confused now. I don't know. But for sure. I will be okay when the deadline comes. I will be okay.