I AM ONLY HUMAN

Isn't being who I am good enough? 

I often ask myself this question recently. I feel genuinely happy with how life is like right now for me. Its very self satisfactory at least on a personal level. I'm doing what I like, working towards to my own personal goals using my own strength and being my own motivation. 

I am only human. I take pride in certain things that I do. I feel insecure about certain things about me. But that just makes me as human as any other person. I'm not a natural-born leader. But that doesn't mean that I do not take charge of things. I just prefer to put myself in others' shoes and understand from their point of view towards something. I would rather do something and as long as others like it, it is then satisfying to me. I find joy in seeing others being happy because I did something that is within my control and abilities to help make them happy.

But, that doesn't mean that i'm someone with no principles whatsoever. I have my own reasons when I make a decision to do something. And I respect that others have theirs' too. Talk to me. Talk to me about your perspective and I will respect it and try to understand it. But at the same time, I expect others to return me that form of respect and the effort to at least try to understand me from my perspective as well. Life is always about giving and taking, striking a balance. I love seeing others being happy does not mean that I don't make the effort to make myself happy. I do. I strive to lead a positive and happy life, to count the blessings in my everyday. And i'm doing it. Just because part of what I do to make myself happy is to make others happy does not mean that i'm someone who puts others in front of myself all the time. There are times that I do. But there are times that I don't. It depends. It isn't right to judge that I am the weakling that only knows how to give others everything that I have regardless. Cos i'm not. I may have used to be that kind of person. But i'm no longer who I was in the past.

I am satisfied with my own changes over the years. In fact I might actually be in the best state i've ever been for the past 19 years. Isn't that enough? I mean I definitely could be better. However, is it so wrong to be happy with who I am when I don't see any major issues in myself?

I'm not heavily affected by this. I'm just a little confused. But its okay. I'm still happy with who I am at the moment, just living the life as I would. Ultimately its my life. All's good. :)

J.
xoxo

BE HAPPY

“Eat better. Run more. Squat more. Sleep earlier. Wake up earlier. Make a good breakfast. Drink water. Eat fruits. Read books. Adventure. Talk less. Listen more. Feel deeper. Love better. Open your eyes. Experience life. Be happy.”

Never been happier. :)

J.

xoxo

TRAVEL TO FEEL

Yet another late night writing. 

It's currently 3:34AM (So late I know) and was gonna do some studying for my upcoming paper on thursday but I ended up with my lappy again. Like its so hard to focus with all these thoughts in my mind! Amazing thoughts though. This is how crazy it is to be thinking of crazy happy thoughts in the middle of the night when most people, including myself a few months back, are just drowning in emo dark thoughts. But nah i'm not complaining. I'm hella happy with the current mood that i've got going on in my head so yeap~ Just got to start learning how to switch on the auto focus at times LOL

There's so many things that i've got running in my head that I need somewhere to let it out. Like seriously. Its occupying my mind like nobody's business and I seriously need to study. LOL So... what's the big deal with this on going good form insanity? The big deal is that THERE IS ACTUALLY A POSSIBILITY THAT I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO GO TO UK AFTER I GRADUATE. 

HOW IS THAT NOT A BIG DEAL???

I don't know how it all happened. But all I know is that UK has always been high up on my bucket list at least in recent years. Traveling has always been for a different reason when I was younger. And it honestly has been such a long time since I last traveled. I used to want to travel for sightseeing, shopping, food and all the other extravagant purpose. But now, its so entirely different. Its like I want to travel to UK so bad because I want to simply travel. 

I want to set foot on a foreign land, which in this case UK is my option, experience life there where there is a very different cultural background, people, common sightseeing locations, not-so-common non-sightseeing locations, architecture etc. Basically to just embark on a journey to experience and feel. I want no shopping I want no food. I want to just travel on a tight budget if you must say (though I have to travel on a tight budget cos i'm sort of really on a tight budget LOL) I am prepared to eat simply for meals. I am prepared to travel on foot. In fact, I want to break free from the conventional way of traveling. I think only when you travel without the extravagant wants, can you truly experience traveling as it is. The most simplest form of it. 

And why UK? I have no idea actually. When I was younger, I wanted to travel to Korea, Taiwan, Hongkong etc. But UK actually appeals to me so much more right now. It even topped my bucket list in recent years. All of a sudden Australia did not appeal to me as much as it did anymore. Probably in the past and in the future but just not now. I don't want to travel to somewhere that doesn't appeal to me in the strongest way ever and spend the money to travel over but unable to fully enjoy the journey. I strongly believe that if the trip to UK is made possible, it would be the most unforgettable trip for me in awhile. Because I am not traveling to this place for my friends. Its solely because I want to. I'm traveling for myself and though there are still gonna be friends accompanying me, the mindset and idea is still there. Like i'm not following my friends on this journey but its one that I actually want to set foot on. If I were to pinpoint on a reason as to why I chose UK for my grad trip, it would have to be the cultural experience and architectural uniqueness that appealed to me the most. 

After I graduate, its time that I enter another phase of my life. Entering adulthood can bring about many responsibilities. I am taking every chance to make this trip possible because I know it wouldn't be the same again if I were to travel to UK again when I get older, when I start work. The mindset and all would be slightly different if not entirely. I don't know but I rarely have such wants that I feel such a strong need to make it happen. And when I do, it means a lot. 

Some may think that i'm willful for the fact that I insist on traveling to UK even though is SO expensive. (Honestly it is. Just the tickets alone is insane.) But to me this trip is not just a normal trip. Its almost like it signifies a new start. Cos its true that a new phase of life awaits me when I return. Its also a journey that I embark on with a light heart and happy feelings. I honestly haven't been too happy for the most part of 2014. And now that I finally am feeling happy and embracing all the goodness in life, I think this is a much needed new start. 

I want to travel to feel. To connect with the other part of the world, to connect with myself as well and this is honestly in my opinion, the best time to do it. :)

J.

xoxo

THAT UNICORN FEELZ

Hey there! 

I'm gonna have to give myself a pat on the back for the consistent writing lately. (Let's just hope this stays as it is LOL) Nothing much's going on today, I just completed my very first paper in more than half a year's time. It's insane, having to cram stuff into my head again. So not used to it at the beginning but i'm getting the hang of it again. And, I honestly just can't wait till CTs are over cos i've got shitloads of plans coming up for myself and i'm literally dying to start. CAN'T WAIT. 

So... the first thing on my mind is definitely gonna be my plans to start acrylic painting. And i've actually began talking to a few of my friends about it today. Just a random mention. Nothing too crazy detailed but they weren't really that into that conversation that I brought up regarding acrylic painting I guess. LOL Well, I can't really blame them for that. I'm always the one that is unable to contribute to any conversation regarding gaming anyways. But one of them actually said that it'll be better if I start from drawing with pencils, then pens, then markers before I dive right into painting but I actually beg to differ. 

I started with drawing a while back and I thought it was okay. It was definitely really satisfying when I complete a particular drawing but now that I think about it, I think just sketching and drawing and doodling doesn't appeal to me as much now cos it's so dull with just shades of black and white. I'm not saying that I don't like drawing anymore, in fact I still doodle a lot in class with just black pen and my lecture notes. It's just that i'm really feeling it for acrylic painting right now and I think it's rare that I feel so strongly about something so even if it's just a temporary burst of interest, curiosity or passion, I want to grasp it very tightly and basically make the most out of this sudden burst of energy. Or whatever that is. I think years down the road, i'm gonna have to thank myself for making this decision right now. 

I guess i'm just all about living the life that I want at the moment. And I think I start to gravitate towards painting because of the colours that I can produce with paint. Its just so infinite and so flexible when it comes to paints. Its almost like I see these incredible colours in my life at the moment and I want to be able to reflect it all through paint. I see myself gravitating away from the dark days for the most part of 2014 and i'm genuinely happy to know that i'm happy. Like I feel a lot lighter recently and i'm really enjoying every moment with my friends in school and even moments when i'm alone. I'm beginning to really think that its really important to be able to be happy with yourself. I don't know what the future may bring but i'm definitely enjoying the single life right now, just doing whatever I want to, pursuing my interest and getting to know more about myself, my likes and dislikes, pretty much just living a better version of me. :)

Also, my heart is telling me that I want to travel. I want to travel to somewhere far, somewhere that i've yet to visit. And what I have in mind at the moment is probably UK, US or Australia. I can either go to UK after I graduate to look for my friend that's studying at Durham or I can find a partner to go over to the united states or australia with me. I'm actually pretty clueless about why I want to visit these places but I know that i'm gonna enjoy it. I've actually imagined myself stepping out of the airport into a foreign land and taking in the first breath of air in another country and be like crazy happy about it. This is me I guess. I don't need a ton of different itinerary, rushing from place to place to look at stuff. I just want to fly over, take my time to walk around, take in all that's available to my senses at my pace and relax. I'm definitely wanting to do this in the near future. In fact, I wouldn't mind travelling alone. It would be a very refreshing and eyeopening experience personally. Its a nice way to start anew when I return. :)

My thoughts today are just full of excitement and very much all over the place. I somewhat feel like a crazy hopping unicorn right now. LOL But i'm really happy~ Probably that's why.^^ I can foresee myself having a nice workout tomorrow morning and maybe make a trip to ArtFriend again? We'll see. ;)

J.

xoxo

ACRYLIC PAINTING?!

You know that feeling of legitimately feeling as if a light bulb just lighted up in your head and an uncontrolled, subconscious smile pops up on your face? I just had that amazing moment today. 

Walked into ArtFriend to look for a gift box and some papers for a card and ended up wandering into the other aisles. (When I have yet to even find whatever I went there for. That's so me. -_-) What first caught my attention was the crazy huge canvases I saw on the shelves. I thought it was cardboard or paper of some sort. But it was canvases. The first time looking at canvases up close was pretty much an eyeopener. I never knew canvases were cloth stretched over a wooden frame LOL How ignorant of me. It was strangely satisfying looking at how white the canvases are. Huge sense of satisfaction and urge to just get one to go home with me. Which I literally almost did LOL 

As I strolled on, I saw paints and brushes. Yet again, the brand new brush bristles that are soft as hell in my opinion is so satisfying to look at I cannot even put my point across enough like how obsessed I was when it comes to these strange addictions. LOL (These strange addictions became more apparent in recent years. Never knew I had OCD to this extent) This was probably the moment when I made up my mind that i'm gonna try out painting. Not that i've never thought of actually putting that thought into actions but somehow just the idea of it looks pretty daunting. But things are different now~ I swear I almost just bought the materials home right there and then which I didn't cos I thought I didn't have enough knowledge about those stuff yet. And just to add on, those stuff can add up to quite a bit of expenses there. So the practical, realistic and logical side of me took over and I stood there just thinking through stuff. 

I was deciding between watercolour, oil painting or acrylic painting. I had my fair share of exposure to paints in primary school and during my growing years, However, I have never had the interest about what paint I was using. I never really cared. Just used whatever there was in fact. And most of those random paints were poster colour and watercolours, I don't think i've ever used acrylic or oil paints before and it was daunting yet immensely intriguing just thinking about it. 

Came to a decision to try out acrylic painting cos I love to see the sharp edges that pops right up off of the surface of a painting from brush strokes or whatever. That textured surface is the kind of look that I liked. I thought it was an interesting addition to a painting where its no longer just 2D and flat. I liked how it has more dimension and depth to how it looked. And so acrylic painting ended up to be the champion, walking away with all my thoughts. Literally. LOL

Can't bring myself to leave ArtFriend after 1.5 hours. Like can you believe it?? I actually stayed in there for that long just LOOKING at stuff. (Up till this point, I have still yet to find the things that I went there for LOL) Since I really couldn't not get anything, I decided to leave with two canvases. Mini ones. Which I think was the perfect size for what I had in mind. If my heart and mind stays in this long enough, I will ultimately wish to continue on to a real legit canvas some time in the near future. I can already picture what it'll be like and how much i'll enjoy just sitting there and spending a hell lot of time completing something. Arghhhh i'm excited just thinking about it!! 

I need exams to be over like asap. So that I can make that trip down to Artfriend again to get paint and brushes this time round. I hope this whole drawing/painting thing can be a legit hobby that stays with me as I proceed into adulthood just as reading is for me. I think it's a really nice feeling to know that you have something that you truly enjoy doing and look forward to doing in life.^^

That pretty much sums up my random thoughts on a random night which I am supposed to be studying but I got way too distracted today so whatever. LOL Got to sleep soon and really prepare for my first paper on monday. Just one week. Its gonna be fun. I know it. ;)

J.

xoxo

好。说我被激怒也好，什么都好。 

Fuck it. I'm gonna push till i drop. 

幸福，的不远处。

仍然相信世上存在着爱与希望。

这不是痴人说梦。因为相信幸福就在不远处。





大家要开心，快乐，幸福哦~

晚安。

J.
xoxo