The more it ticks, the more I lose.
This is yet another blogpost that I typed out probably three months ago and failed to complete/ publish for whatever reasons there may be. I always get the feel to start writing and when i'm halfway through, I lose the feel. And so I stopped. But then again, isn't this exactly how writing has always been for me? Writing on this blog has always been a space for me to record down my life events, big or little. I just wished that I do this on a more regular basis. But oh well. I refuse to do forced blogging so whatever.
I just thought about how far i've came and how different life is right now for me as compared to last year. Or maybe two years back. Not gonna be all emo nemo right now cos its not the way I would want myself to live. I told myself that i'm gonna live a positive life, eliminating all negativity and I will do it.
Was just thinking about stuff and I guess unknowingly, I thought of him again. Not in the emo nemo way or the hateful way. Not in the I-can't-let-you-go way or the I-love-you way. Just thought of him as an individual, us, all that past memories, laughter and tears. It's so precious to me. These are memories that makes up my life and i've really come to terms with the fact that regardless how my life is going to be in the future, THIS is my life. Good or bad, I live. There's no turning back, nor is there any way to resist anything that comes my way. Sometimes you just have to take things in your stride. This is what i've learned as i'm nearing my twenties, It's inevitable that you feel sad or empty every now and then. Nobody promised that life is always smooth sailing and joyous. BUT life is a blessing on its own. That's for sure. I'm still as thankful as ever, for being alive and being who I am. I should probably start seeing myself in a different light soon.
You know how people say that your first love isn't really your first love until you experienced your first true love? (I'm sure it's not phrased like this but its smth along that line i'm pretty sure) I finally understood what that meant. I thought he was different (through the time that we lasted). He touched a part of me, emotionally that I dare say, no one has ever come into contact with. But it has been almost 8 months since it all ended. And I think i've came a long way when it comes to moving on from that relationship and healing and all that stuff. A part of me will always remember what happened. Its the truth. I can't possibly delete the memories just because I say I want to. But then again, I probably wouldn't want to delete the memories now either. Not because I can't let go of the past but because I cherish those times that we once shared. I'm not some cold blooded person that wish him the worst just because our relationship didn't work out. Of course I was hurt. Of course I hated him before. But that's all part of healing isn't it? A part of me will always love him. Though not in the way like how I used to. I lost the rights to love like I once did when he chose to leave, as harsh as it may seem. But its okay.
It may sound really stupid like why am I like this when he treated me like nothing? After hating him and what not, when tears started drying up and my vision became clearer, I came to realise that the last step to moving on would be wanting to see that he is happy. I'm not gonna say that I have an unconditional love like how his parents would have for him but its true that I want to wish him the best. Knowing that someone else entered his life, I see myself wishing that she'd be able to provide him with the happiness that he wants. I have accepted and come to terms with the fact that our time together is up. The last bit of respect that I can have for myself would be to turn back and leave. That's what I did and I saved the final bit of dignity that I think I deserved.
Currently on my way to rebuilding a life that's without him. A life that I should be leading just as I would right now, if I hadn't met him. I'm searching for a better me.
This journey of rebuilding isn't easy. But it's very much necessary. After all, I did gave up a part of me that has returned bruised. Intentional or not, it doesn't really matter. It takes time to return back to normal but at least I can say that i'm okay now. Isn't that good enough?
I just thought about how far i've came and how different life is right now for me as compared to last year. Or maybe two years back. Not gonna be all emo nemo right now cos its not the way I would want myself to live. I told myself that i'm gonna live a positive life, eliminating all negativity and I will do it.
Was just thinking about stuff and I guess unknowingly, I thought of him again. Not in the emo nemo way or the hateful way. Not in the I-can't-let-you-go way or the I-love-you way. Just thought of him as an individual, us, all that past memories, laughter and tears. It's so precious to me. These are memories that makes up my life and i've really come to terms with the fact that regardless how my life is going to be in the future, THIS is my life. Good or bad, I live. There's no turning back, nor is there any way to resist anything that comes my way. Sometimes you just have to take things in your stride. This is what i've learned as i'm nearing my twenties, It's inevitable that you feel sad or empty every now and then. Nobody promised that life is always smooth sailing and joyous. BUT life is a blessing on its own. That's for sure. I'm still as thankful as ever, for being alive and being who I am. I should probably start seeing myself in a different light soon.
You know how people say that your first love isn't really your first love until you experienced your first true love? (I'm sure it's not phrased like this but its smth along that line i'm pretty sure) I finally understood what that meant. I thought he was different (through the time that we lasted). He touched a part of me, emotionally that I dare say, no one has ever come into contact with. But it has been almost 8 months since it all ended. And I think i've came a long way when it comes to moving on from that relationship and healing and all that stuff. A part of me will always remember what happened. Its the truth. I can't possibly delete the memories just because I say I want to. But then again, I probably wouldn't want to delete the memories now either. Not because I can't let go of the past but because I cherish those times that we once shared. I'm not some cold blooded person that wish him the worst just because our relationship didn't work out. Of course I was hurt. Of course I hated him before. But that's all part of healing isn't it? A part of me will always love him. Though not in the way like how I used to. I lost the rights to love like I once did when he chose to leave, as harsh as it may seem. But its okay.
It may sound really stupid like why am I like this when he treated me like nothing? After hating him and what not, when tears started drying up and my vision became clearer, I came to realise that the last step to moving on would be wanting to see that he is happy. I'm not gonna say that I have an unconditional love like how his parents would have for him but its true that I want to wish him the best. Knowing that someone else entered his life, I see myself wishing that she'd be able to provide him with the happiness that he wants. I have accepted and come to terms with the fact that our time together is up. The last bit of respect that I can have for myself would be to turn back and leave. That's what I did and I saved the final bit of dignity that I think I deserved.
Currently on my way to rebuilding a life that's without him. A life that I should be leading just as I would right now, if I hadn't met him. I'm searching for a better me.
This journey of rebuilding isn't easy. But it's very much necessary. After all, I did gave up a part of me that has returned bruised. Intentional or not, it doesn't really matter. It takes time to return back to normal but at least I can say that i'm okay now. Isn't that good enough?
Thank you for all that we've once shared.
I look forward to the day,
where I can finally learn to embrace beyond your shadow.
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