"You are a minute of quiet in a loud shouting world."

“宁可空白了手等候一次真心的拥抱。”

I miss the peace i once had. 

Just want to get back on track and be happy. For good. For the rest of forever. 

NOW AND THEN

Just to put it out there, a great portion of this blogpost was written months ago. And yes, times were ridiculously hard then. Not even gonna deny the slightest bit. But today, as I complete the rest of this blogpost, the wound has healed pretty much since then and i'm a whole lot better. Just wanted this to serve as a reminder for myself of that experience and that part of my life. Its my life after all isn't it? :) 

Life's hard. 

Hmmm.. In all honesty, i'm not having an easy time. Don't necessarily show it all the time but yeah I feel it on the inside every single day, every single second, every single moment for the past few months.

And guess what. I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate how vulnerable I am to you. That you are able to leave like that with no implications or whatsoever, that you are able to be so fine when i'm barely even okay. You'd probably have no fucking idea how much tears i've wasted crying over you, no idea how much energy I drained myself of in the past few months every single day, just reminding myself to keep breathing and its okay. 

Even as i'm typing it hurts me so bad but I still want to do it. I need to remind myself of what you did to me, the pain that i'm feeling, the mistake that I did to end up losing all that I could possibly wish for, in exchange for a temporary and never once real fantasy. 

But that means nothing now. Since the day you left, I changed. You left a scar in me, took everything away from me, I cannot choose not to change. I trust no one. I trust no words. I trust no emotions that I feel. Everything is a lie. Its a fucking lie that caused me this agony right now. 

But, on the brighter note, I feel so much stronger right now and I believe when I brave through these all, i'll be glad you left. I saw my worth that you failed to see. I realised how little love i'm giving to myself and how I gave you too much to be taken for granted. I learned a painful lesson on what I treasure the most when I lost it. Most importantly, what kind of person you really are, or rather who you became over time. Someone that I failed to recognise, at least from the first time I met you. You want fame. You want glory. You want popularity. And these are all that I cannot give to you. And so I automatically became something that doesn't fit your "wants" anymore. But thanks for leaving without a reason. 

To a certain extent, I hate myself for falling for you even in the slightest bit. Because I want to make up for everything so bad but there's nothing that I can do to turn back time. But I believe whatever goes around comes around. Cos what I did then was exactly what you did to me a few months back. For that, if its considered as a pay-back, I have nothing to say. But i've accepted it, as much as it hurts. Cos i'd be okay. 

It helps I guess, to be typing all these to remind myself and be so painfully honest with my thoughts and feelings cos all the more it feels real and I think I just took another step away from my past. More ready to move on than ever. 

So... It has indeed been a while since I revisited this blogpost. That's right. I didn't have the courage to do so, neither did I have the courage to publish it. I typed it all out in one night but failed to click on the publish button. It was just too raw. That stabbing pain was around then. I couldn't bear to face it. But now I can. And i'm going to come back stronger and better. Just wait. My "deadline" to start anew is coming up and i'm looking forward to it. I feel pumped up and ready. But don't get it wrong. Not doing it to show anybody but myself. Even though I admit, at the very start it was the exact opposite. Cos you know how ppl always say: The best revenge is to show them that you are better off without them. Its true to a certain extent but nope. You're not worth my time even to plan for revenge.  

Its just a very dark period of my life that I really do not wish to revisit. I was full of resentment, full of anger and disappointment. That few months was hard. It was hard even just trying to lead a normal life. But I did it. And through it all, I came out different. I wouldn't say that its a positive change nor is it a negative change. I'm just, different.

As I close the chapter to your name, i've decided not to give my all to anyone anymore. Until they prove to be worthy of my effort. I will not trust what someone appears to be anymore. Until time tells me who they really are. I will not lower myself to accommodate and lose myself in the process anymore. Because I know the ones who care will never allow that to happen and those who do, do not care. So neither should I. I will live my life to the fullest, happiest, and be my own happiness. Cos at least I know a little about what to do, if not entirely, to not hurt myself. 

Maybe you need the same thing to happen on you to understand how it feels like, to know that you should never do this to anyone. Cos it was what happened to me. I learned it the hard way, I only fully understood the damage I might have inflicted on someone when it happened to me. And trust me. The pain is smth that I never want to feel again. Its just too much to bear. But then again, that doesn't mean that it won't get better. Cos even though it felt like the end of the world to me, that I probably wouldn't be able to love someone else the same way again, eventually things just changes. It felt more like a beginning, a new start to start afresh and I feel more determined to love someone even more cos honestly love is what makes life beautiful. Its not everything to life. But I really do want to spend my life loving someone that loves me as much as I do, never holding back his love and affection. Its okay that you're not "The One" cos right now I wouldn't want you to be either. If I have to be interesting to keep your love with me, sad to say but I really don't know if that's love at all. If you can only take me for me at my highest moments, then i'm afraid you haven't really loved anyone before. 

I'll take my time and wait for that special one to come into my life. Someone that I know would always be there. Despite all the negativity that i've seen and heard, a part of me always holds onto the thought that there's definitely someone out there that's just meant for me. One day that thought will finally become reality. I'll keep faith and walk on. 

Despite all that unhappiness between us, still, thanks for the memories, and the lesson learned. Whether or not what we once shared was true, it doesn't really matter right now. As for whether we ever end up as friends again, I do not have an answer to that. Maybe we would, maybe we won't. All I know is that, as a friend, you have my utmost friendship. Once again the choice is up to you cos i've got nothing to lose anyway.

I'm finally freed. :)

Lost and found don't always happen. Even if it does, it won't happen twice. I got to bear in mind that. 

Why is it that it still feels like its planned? Its like everything is "meant to happen" for once this sentence legitimately feels legit. What whaaat.  

I sense a storm brewing. Really digging my own grave and I don't know what to do. Zzz -.-

What was I thinking seriously. Please quit being so naive. Please. 

NPF BONDING CAMP 2014

Just back from a bonding camp and it was amazing. As much as I didn't really want to attend, I did, and I think it was the wisest choice ever. I opened up more to the current batch of juniors and I didn't feel as socially awkward as I thought I was. Okay in fact I still think I am. Just somehow I clicked with them. Not sure how, not sure why. But I guess even friends require some sort of chemical reaction to take place I suppose. The chemical equation was just appropriate and balanced I guess. If you get what I mean hehe. 

All in all, it was fun, I feel accepted and pumped up for the near future. I see my plans and stuff becoming clearer and i'm beyond happy. Not gonna blabber too much, just gonna let the pictures do the talking. :)

xoxo

Can things go my way already..?

OREO CHEESECAKE

Made an Oreo Cheesecake on Friday night after work just for the sake of doing it. Heh. Lost touch with baking for a while now, but i'm glad I did it on Friday. Turned out pretty nice, even though its not the best but i'm satisfied with the outcome, given the fact that it's my first time, and that I wasn't exactly mentally prepared to bake that day. 

Baking is pretty fun, when I feel like doing it. And I came to realize, after all these time, I always bake for the same reason, sort of, and I only bake for people that have proved to matter, those that I care for and those that are important to me. Only came to this realization recently and i'm pretty surprised with that. Haha 

I don't bake like a pro. For sure. But I definitely bake with love and joy. I still believe that only that two special and priceless ingredient allows your end product to be flawless, even with imperfections. I still believe people can taste the difference and are able to feel the effort in every bite. 

I guess the reason why I only feel like baking and only want to bake for certain people is simply because its my way  of expressing myself, to let them know that they matter to me. Friends and family alike. So if you receive something that I baked, even though its not perfect, please know that you mean something to me okay! Hahaha. ^^

Definitely have something else to do next after I made the Oreo Cheesecake. Wrote down a few more desserts in my bucket list and i'm looking forward to doing it soon! The first one would have to be Soufflé a la vanille, or Vanilla soufflé. Don't really know if i'm getting the name right, neither do I know how to pronounce it but it's just a dessert that came to my mind together with Crème brûlée when I first thought of doing classic french desserts. Definitely not thinking too highly of myself by the sudden feel for french desserts, just thought it'll be fun and I really wanted to eat these two. Hehe 

I've only tried Crème brûlée once at four seasons hotel and honestly I can barely remember what it tasted like anymore, which is why I thought, what better than to do it myself? ^^ As for the soufflé, I don't know if the original, traditional recipe includes vanilla or not but it seems to be the case for the recipe that i've found so i've decided to settle for it, even if it might not be the most traditional recipe.

So yeah these are my plans for baking in the near future and i'm sure it'll be fun. :)

xoxo

我放下了。但是对不起，我不能原谅。我，做不到。没有办法当作这一切都没有发生过，更没办法当作我从来没痛过。心痛过后，留下的只是对你的绝望和无奈。我付出的确实是最真实的。这一点，我问心无愧。其他的我无权干涉，也不愿再干涉。

对于过去的一切，我不再说后悔。就当做是场梦，一个童话般的故事，算了。

 

So alive, yet so broken. But i'm doing good. 

Coming back up is never easy. Nonetheless, i'm doing it. 

xoxo

JOURNEY HOME

Rainy night, long bus ride, soft music. Everything is nudging at me, hinting that its a good time to reflect about life. LOL Not really. Just anything under the stars actually. Hehe. 

Thinking about how's life lately. Feels pretty good it seems. No longer afraid to be alone at home because thoughts don't run wild anymore. Well at least its not all emo nemo like what it used to be. Still get some meh days but overall it feels good. Have been wondering how long has it been since I last felt happiness from inside out. Don't know why I was so persistent about something that didn't make me happy anymore and hurt myself more than I already was. Well I guess sometimes you get confused about the things you do, the choices you make. And this confusion causes some sort of consequences every time. Without fail. It just depends on how light or heavy the consequences are. Sometimes little, sometimes a hell lot of sacrifices. And for the past choices that i've made, i've paid a price for it. Not sure if things are gonna get better from here but life's definitely good right now. Things happen and you come back up stronger, you feel okay again. But whatever it is, what's left behind stays behind. No point arguing about what the facts really are. Reality is that choices and sacrifices are made and the outcome wasn't really the best but you come out of it stronger than ever, lesson learned, a better life awaits. :) 

"If you would believe

Believe in the world

A vision of love

And the strength inside your heart

You'll find a way"

xoxo

CHILLED WEEKEND

 

Went for a really good run tonight to clear my mind. Then sat at the void deck to chill a little before going back home and it was awesome. Perfect lazy Sunday actually haha. Feels good to slow down my pace on weekends and just chill. With friends or alone doesn't matter. Most importantly is, just chill. Hahaha. 

And, I bought myself a sketch book today~~ *Happy* Gonna start drawing whenever inspiration comes. I sort of have one now but...... its really almost bed time. LOL I should get to bed soon. So I'll probably leave that till next time! 

Alright I honestly don't really have anything to update about today cos my weekends for this week is just really chilled. More focused on recharging myself rather than being out and about running around haha. Okay other than last night, went to meet a friend. And I guess that's pretty much it! Gonna meet up with another friend after work tomorrow so yeah. Hahaha. 

Still feeling really blessed right now but just a little meh today. 

"I'll make it there, 

To the place where reality and dreams

And love will be together."

xoxo

TAKING ONE STEP AT A TIME

Had a good chat with a friend today and I realised that i've indeed been trying to live the life that I sort of wanted, at least its what I want right now at this age and moment. :)

Haven't really noticed that i've been taking baby steps in living the life that I imagined myself to be living at the age of 18, going to 19 in 3 months' time. (Goodness gracious how time flies omg) It was until he mentioned, that I realised that there isn't a certain way of how we should look at things or how things are. Everything is flexible. 

I've been such a restricted person all my life up till now, not saying that having a traditional mindset about things and being conservative is wrong or not good but we really need some flexibility in our life too huh. Everything is flexible, the way we think, do things, look at things, are all flexible and is not restricted by any boundaries. We are the one that set these "boundaries" to our set of thinking, the way we do things and our perspectives towards certain things. But having said that, I still think that some things have to abide by the moral "guidelines", which I believe shouldn't really be considered as a boundary, cos otherwise, murdering someone would become something that is acceptable. If that even make sense. LOL

Okay what do I mean when I say that i'm taking baby steps in living the life that I sort of want now. Was telling my friend that i'm really into drawing lately, but its really very much more like copying. I don't mean copying like I copy people's artwork but more like I think about what I want to draw to express myself and what I feel on the inside at that particular moment, but because I have trouble visualizing how things look like in my head, I basically have to hold onto my ideas in my head and go online or find things around me that is actually presented in front of me, such that I can use my vision, take it in directly and copy the physically body of the thing that is representing my thoughts and emotion at the moment, then present it as a "drawing" that actually reflects what i'm thinking or feeling. Does that actually make sense? LOL I'm not a naturally born artist, got to admit that but I don't see why I shouldn't draw just because I can't draw very well. (Cos its not like i'm intending to make art my career, even though I actually wouldn't mind if there are people that appreciates my kind of art, just cos I think the art industry is one that is very flexible and basically unrestricted and you are allowed to let your creativity run wild)

But surprise surprise~ I'm quite amazed that I decided to do something even though i'm not perfect at it, despite the fact that there will be others out there that's not going to like the things that I like or the things that I drew, in this case. This already doesn't sound like me right? But amazing enough, I feel at ease when I do this. I'm completely at ease when I draw something and put it out online, on social platforms to share my self expressions. And honestly I feel flattered and extremely humbled when people that I don't know personally, from another part of the world, happened to come across my drawings, and decided to like it, when they themselves are amazing artists. This is crazy. I can't tell you how much that boosts my confidence, which also brings me back to the topic on flexibility. The discussion with my friend tonight, left me with a conclusion that I would say is pretty known already but its once again emphasised to me tonight and he made a point that I think encouraged me to keep my creativity juices flowing. Very grateful for that.

Art, to me is a form of self expression and there really isn't a fixed form of art, since music, dance, visual art, abstract art, they are all classified as arts. You name it, you got it. My view and horizon on the definition of art is widened when my friend told me that by collecting the cup sleeve from every cup of Starbuck's Green Tea Latte that I drank then writing down a thought of the day or a thought while drinking and put it all together, is a form of art by its own. I'm amazed at how such a simple thing can be classified as a from of art. It was then that I realised that hey i'm actually capable of such things. Who says art got to be paint and canvas? Well at least I don't restrict myself to think that way anymore. Haha.

These are some of the doodles that I did fairly recently, honestly speaking, I think they are all flawed, but all flawed in their own unique ways I guess, as what I would like to call it. Haha. Even if they are not perfect doodlings, I felt happy and content to be able to come up with them so why not? :)

 

This is actually my hand by the way. LOL I kind of screwed up at the pinky but oh wells. 

 

And then this, a piece that I just completed ytd, with pencil then tracing over it with a pen, just so I thought the drawing will be able to stay permanent if its in pen. LOL But the effect of what the tip of the pen can provide the drawing with makes me pretty satisfied so i'm good. :) It's a special piece to me as well, just cos "Your hope is deeper than pain" is from the song "I'll be your love", that I mentioned in my previous blogpost, that its a song that picks me up and pushes me on, sends a wave of calming effect over me when I needed it and I really liked that particular sentence. :) The meaning behind this drawing is very direct and simple, nothing too abstract too and like I said, everything I draw represents something that I feel on the inside. 

Really proud that i've come this far, really working towards what I want and what I like, living for myself, for who I am. The pair of wings represents hope, and the barb wire represents pain. Notice that the barb wire only holds onto the end of the wings? Its my way of expressing that I am full of hope for the future and i'm breaking free from what's holding me down and constantly causing me pain. The other end of the barb wire is left pretty long because it signifies that i've came a long way to reach the stage that i'm at right now and i'm really proud of it. :) 

Oh ya this is the unedited version, I didn't use any filters for this photo but I edited it on the brightness and exposures and all that stuff that I wished I didn't have to use but the lighting of the original photo is just really bad. Sigh. 

Really happy, really fulfilled, feels like i'm finally making a change, sort of, a good change. Haha. There's a few more things that I am into right now, that I have the intention of pursuing in the near future. Violin is definitely one of them, after I get the strings fixed. LOL Then photography is another thing that I wish to try, just cos I want to capture memories of things around me, that sort of stuff. Haha And also to look at things from a different perspective, different angle I guess. My future self is gonna thank me for all that i'm doing right now haha. Can't explain how fulfilled I feel at the moment really. I totally see how constant positive energy and positive vibes changes the way you think and the way you look at things. I can see myself accomplishing the resolutions of the year 2014 and i'm really happy, thankful, looking forward and feeling really blessed with what i've got right now. :)

xoxo

"Don't you cry

Over the past

Some days might be grey

And dreary

Not easy to leave

To leave it behind

'Til the rain stops in silence

I'll be there to hold your heart

I'll be with you

'Til you find the reason for love

We take it for granted

We'll keep the time from fading

''cause the world is here to stay

Your hope is deeper than pain"

This has such a calming effect on me and that part up there, is my favourite. Feel the need to slow down our steps and just live, But oh well~ Hectic is in my blood now. LOL Enjoying the sense of responsibility I get from working but oh my, when i'm tired, I literally feel like I can just sink to the ground and just melt there. Well at least that's what it feels like after work every day, even though I feel extremely fulfilled. (Kk sounds like i'm contradicting myself LOL)

Actually I didn't have anything to write about today but somehow I ended up doing so. Haha. It has been a really long time since I last wrote legit stuff in words and I sort of wish I can write in pen, on paper, instead of typing like this, But being able to type is still way better than nothing huh. Haha. I'm in the right mood for expressing my thoughts and feelings in words now I guess, I believe its a come and go feeling, that's why I don't really update regularly. Haha. 

Hmm.. Don't really know how to express myself in words now cos it feels very complex inside haha. Not necessarily in a bad way I guess. Just more like amazed at how we really don't see the things we see at that moment, when you are where you are in the past, if that even makes sense. LOL But you see everything way way after that, like everything that's hidden away in the nooks and crannies. Its just overwhelming I guess.

Things get forgotten all the time but they never really leave your mind. I guess that's the most accurate way of expressing what i'm thinking right now, this very moment. 

:)

xoxo

BACK.

Probably ought to be sleeping at this unearthly hour cos i've still got work tomorrow but I guess i'll complete this before I head off to bed. Its sad how 12am is considered as an unearthly hour now that i'm made to devote 8 hours a day, 5 days a week to work. 

It has changed a whole deal of my life and, not gonna complain, I kind of am grateful for it. For one, I feel a whole lot more organised than what I used to be, definitely more responsible as well. Two, I liked how work occupied my thoughts and time for the time being. I'd like to think of it as something that's planned in advance, for me, to have me set a deadline for myself and to just so happen to have my last day of work be on that deadline. My 19th birthday would be the turning point for myself. 

I like to see of it as a healing process/journey that's planned just for me. Its hard to explain but recently everything is just clearer for me and I start to see things in very different perspectives, being significantly more positive on the outlook of life in general. I'm not sure how long I can keep up with this kind of positivity, but at least for now it seems to work. And that's gonna be another whole blogpost all together. 

Well I guess what has been crossing my mind the most recently is this question. When would you like to go back to, if you were given the chance to go back into the past, turn back time and make a change? What would you change? This question has been discussed various times since secondary school days and i've always struggled for an answer, even though i've never told anyone. I still gave an answer to the friend that asked that question but was it really when I wanted to turn back time just to return to? I'm not too sure about that. Recently, this question popped up in my head a lot. Weirdly enough just like what my brain wanted me to do, I began asking myself that. I began searching for an answer within me. Guess doing paper work in the office left too much free time for my head to generate such random thoughts. LOL 

It didn't take me long before I realised that I had an answer to that question already. There's two different periods of my life that i'd like to return to if I had the chance to. First, would be to return to secondary one and re-live it all over once more and savor everything in great detail, just cos it was probably one of the best times of my life. Secondly, i'd like to return back to 2012, when I first entered poly and I would not join fencing. That's the change that i'll make. I would hold onto what I had tighter and be firmer with what I believed in. But I guess things happens and what I think would always be just a thought. The scar will still be there and nothing's gonna change. It's always been a thing in human that we regret the decisions that we make at some point of our lives. That's why there's "what ifs". People say: "In the end, you only regret the chances you didn't take" but what if you regret the chances that you took? I've got no answer to that. LOL Despite everything, i've still got to keep faith and believe that everything happens for a reason and what's meant to be will be.

xoxo

I really wish to turn back time. No don't get me wrong. There are just some mistakes that I wished that i've never made. Then probably karma wouldn't hit me like a bitch right now. Can't believe how confused I was. Or maybe i'm still confused now. I don't know. But for sure. I will be okay when the deadline comes. I will be okay. 

你是男人。比男人还男人的男人。

Because that night, you killed me. So don't you ever dare say you never killed anyone. Don't you ever dare. 

为了让自己留下最后仅有的尊严，我坚持不在你面前显示自己的懦弱，虽然自己心里知道放手是有多么的不可能。尽管只能以朋友的身份也好。无所谓。。也许我就是那么懦弱。

但唯一肯定的是，我会活得更好，我会更爱自己。

忍了很久的眼泪今晚完全不受我的控制。希望这是最后一次。我会把掌控全拿回来的。

明天会更好。晚安。

This fucking hurts. I need this to be over right now.

Don't know what's running through my mind. Don't know what i'm feeling at all. Wondering what I did to deserve this. 

太晚我才懂，爱了你太多。

不再为谁付出真心。

PASSER-BY

Nothing seems as hard as I thought it would be. After all, you are but another passerby in my life. Doing what everyone else does. Walk in, and then leave. 

The person that I was in the past would probably feel inferior. I'd probably think i'm not comparable to any other girls out there. But no, not the same person now. The person that I am right now will just shrug my shoulders and say "i'm sorry but you're missing out on what I can give and what I will give." 

I refuse to give my heart to someone that doesn't know how to cherish and love me anymore. I guess I just grew to realise my self worth over time. I don't even know what I feel right now. I should be sad, but nope. I'm not. I'm not sad. I'm hurt. As much as I don't want to admit that i'm hurt, I really am. BUT, I refuse to say that by leaving me, you affect me. Cos you don't. I won't allow myself to be affected anymore. I used to be weak. I used to be easily affected. But not now. Not ever.

One week. I'm done. Over and done.

You made me feel more loved than i've ever felt. And you made me feel more pain than what I thought I could take. 

Trust nobody with yourself other than yourself. 

Cos nobody can ever love you the way you love yourself. 

This is so so so so so beautiful. The grace, movements that are like fluid, the trust. Amazing.

想了想，其实感情丰富也不见得是个坏事。最起码在这孤独的人生旅途中我能告诉自己我试过、爱过、笑过、坚持过、伤过、痛过、哭过。

YOLO 就是用在这里的。